I have a new theory. This theory,
completely unproven by science or anything remotely resembling a method, is as
follows.
Any major life event takes a minimum of 2-3
months of adjustment time.
This is based purely on personal
experience, and can be applied to just about anything. Going to a new school?
Give it 2-3 months to get comfortable. Moving? 2-3 months. New relationship? Wait 2 months. Or 3. I’ve never found anything to settle more quickly than that, and
some things take much, much longer. My thinking is that new things, or getting
things, takes less time than does loss. For example: you might take 2 months to
become comfortable with a new girlfriend, but getting over an ex-girlfriend
might take a year.
I’m not sure what causes this phenomenon,
nor why it lasts precisely that long. What I imagine is that the first month or
so is learning the ropes of something and the second is adjusting your feelings
and/or actions accordingly. In an overly simplified version, let’s say you’re
just starting to use the subway. (It’s not a major life event, so let’s assume
it takes less time.) First you figure out your route, then you start taking it
and realize that if you actually want to be on time you’ll need to get the
train 15 minutes earlier than expected. Or that you’ll need a newspaper or iPod
to not be achingly bored.
Speaking as a girl who quit soccer after a
day at age 5, I understand the appeal of bailing on something when it doesn’t
seem to be working. That being said, I have to think that if this 2-3 months of
adjustment time is necessary, then splitting before you’ve given something that
much of a chance isn’t fair. I’m not saying you have to date whoever you happen
to meet for 2 months before you split – maybe you just don’t like them. I’m
saying that thinking you want something and finding it’s harder or different
from your expectations doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong choice…it
might just mean that you’ve not yet adjusted.
When I studied abroad, I loved Wales
instantly. There were a few problems with finance and housing, but they were
fixed pretty quickly. I assumed I was just in the right place, felt
comfortable, and wasn’t particularly worried. It wasn’t until I’d been there
two months that I realized that what I’d thought was being comfortable was more
of a happy newness rather than genuine relaxation. Sometimes it’s harsher than
that – sometimes the first few months of something making you want to tear your
hair out. But that time, for me, it just went from being kinda okay to being
genuinely okay.
Do you agree with the 2-3 month premise?
How do you deal with new situations?
2 or 3 months are just enough. when things are going well, maybe less.
ReplyDeleteI'd say this is a pretty spot on assessment of how we form habits and adaptations to our surroundings.
ReplyDeleteI've operated on a similar theory that most peoples' emotional state and "big" decisions revolve around time cycles, unique to each individual. For instance my time cycle is about 8 weeks.
The cycles start with a desire for change, then moves to implementing said change. Next comes the "shiny new" phase followed by adjustment and inevitably complacency and/or acceptance followed again by a desire for change and the beginning of a new cycle.
The cycle doesn't necessarily happen for the same object or change each iteration, for instance you may experience a "change" cycle and get a new couch, but the next cycle doesn't mean you'll get a new couch - just a new desire for change since that comfy new couch is now just part of your day to day.
It is certainly interesting when I try and peg other's cycle times. I think the adjustment, complacency and a desire for change just reflects that we are adaptive creatures, meant to be stimulated and challenged.
Good write up!
2/3 months in general seems enough, but I think you need more time to adjust yourself after moving. I for example needed about 7 months, but I also had the problem of moving in autuum and dealing with winter depressions because of the unknown area and I started to study in this unknown city. ... okay, it really depends on the circumstances things happen.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with you on the relationship thing. Getting over someone really takes much longer if you only have been together for a few months. This part kinda sucks.
...this is about accurate, yes. It's one of those things I've never really thought about but in retrospect I can see how it makes sense.
ReplyDeleteFrom somebody whose life is made up of constant movement I don't think I take that long to adjust to something new, I am very good at telling in a short period of time if I made the right choice or not. That said, I agree that it isn't fair to quit something before you have given it a real chance. The time obviously varies for people with different personalities and life stories, but letting it not suck for one day might be just what you needed to settle on a decision or another.
ReplyDelete2-3 months sounds about right for new things (I start university in two weeks, so I'll have to see how that goes!). It took me about 2 months for me to settle down when I moved in with friends, and getting over the initial euphoria and to settle into a working routine and make some house rules, etc. And at my new job it was probably about 2 months before we (the newbies) all found our place and did things outside of work together (longer for me I suppose, I adapt to new environments quickly but I take longer with new people). And I think 3 months is usually the "honeymoon period" of relationships, when everything is perfect and wonderful and new and lovely - but this could really apply to anything - I think my first 3 months of uni are going to be amazing until it becomes another part of my day-to-day life...adjusting to loss takes a lot longer, but I think there are too many factors with loss to put a specific timeframe on it. I pretty much agree with your theory though!
ReplyDeleteI find this very accurate, but like Morringhan, I have moved a lot and find that within in a month I am usual settled and accustomed. An exception would be this current school year, where I moved to Spain for 9 months and have to deal with a new language, new customs and being completely alone on the other side of the world. It was not easy and there were low points. But I think once you keep a positive attitude and accept that not all days will be great but not all days horrible, you can learn to balance out life and adjust to your new situation.
ReplyDeleteI studied abroad in the UK for a semester and never really had enough time to get settled. I think if I'd had another month or two, I could have been really happy and would have enjoyed my semester abroad. But 3-4 months wasn't quite enough time for me, so I was very stressed and anxious (and lonely) for much of my abroad experience. Part of me wishes I hadn't gone at all and part of me thinks that it would have been okay if I'd been there longer.
ReplyDeleteEvery time we moved (which was A LOT) my Mom would say, "Ignore your feelings for six months." I used that mantra for my new job, and I think it worked for me, because after 2-3 months I still didn't know if I loved or hated my job. But like you said, some things take longer. It's tough not to quit when the going gets hard, but I think without a wait period, either 2-3 or 6 months, I would never grow or challenge myself. I think that can be said for most people.
ReplyDeleteI guess it depends on the person, because I've moved around a few times, and every time, it's taken me around 6 months to settle in. If it doesn't happen then, it doesn't happen at all. Even moving back home after being abroad for a while takes a while to get used to, because everything's changed and all.
ReplyDeleteBut I do think it does have a lot to do with attitude. I've always been the type of person who stays away from things, and that definitely doesn't help make matters easier. But the one time I did try to be positive and smile a little, it made the process a whole lot easier. So yeah, attitude is a big factor too.
:)
As far as breakups go, I generally find it takes half the relationship. So if you dated a year, give it 6 months and you'll be free of thoughts related to that person. With moving? Yes, definitely 2/3 months. I've moved too many times now, and it doesnt get easier... you just get used to it. After 3 months I was finally settled.
ReplyDeleteSo, genuinely agree with you.
xx:)
I might have to disagree with the 2-3 months adjustment. I've been in Australia 7 months, and yeah, I did have that happy newness. It did feel like home instantaneously, but after 3 months I was POSITIVE I wanted to stay. Now, after 7 months, I know I'm going to stick to my original plan and keep traveling. I want to go to Europe, and Japan, and everywhere. Adjusting is lame anyway. ;D
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I have moved 23 times in my short life and each time takes at least 3 months to adjust and be comfortable. Which is sometimes frustrating because we could move again before I am completely comfortable.
ReplyDelete(Did I overuse the word comfortable? Oh well.)