One of the things my new friends learn right off the bat is that I am not very good at maintaining friendships for long periods of time. It's not that I stop caring, it's that I get caught up in other things - or they do, or we both do - and the friendship sort of crumbles over time. Some people (I call them Low Maintenance Friends) allow you to dip in and out of the friendship when you can. No matter how long it's been, you can pick up about where you left off. A friend of mine named Brian is this way - we've been off-and-on friends since I was about 14. Other people (High Maintenance Friends) need a lot of fairly constant, consistent attention to feel like you're still really friends. If you slip on this, you have to start again at an earlier phase in the friendship. Sometimes square one.
Which, if you've put a lot of time into the friendship already....sucks.
Most friendships - hell, most relationships - require at least a little bit of work. Even a low maintenance friend needs to hear from you once in a while for it to be a viable friendship. A lot of interestingly-fonted quotes in front of nature pictures on Tumblr will tell you that "love" is a verb. (Nice little observation there, kiddo. It's also a noun. Now put down your dictionary and make a point already.) Though the execution could be polished up, the idea of love as something you do actively is one with merit.
Most of the relationship advice books I've seen are for couples. They're useful, of course, but it's hard to apply the questions and/or suggestions to friendships. Do you write cute little notes on your friend's mirror? Or text them just to say you're thinking about them? If so your friendships are very different from mine. Good luck with those. In my friendships, the usual method of maintenance is hanging out, talking about problems, and sometimes buying birthday/Christmas gifts.
Are there things you can do for friends beyond the standard definition of active friendship? Things that don't make it seem like you harbor a secret l'il crush on them? I have trouble thinking of any, but I could just be hyper-sensitive to potential crush suspicions.
A few days ago I got in contact with a friend of mine from elementary school, and while we've only talked a little bit, I have a deep feeling of satisfaction and, somehow, security. Rekindling this friendship feels a bit like replanting a root to the tree of me. In general, my friendships aren't incredibly deep or long-lasting - I don't know if this new old friendship will become so - but maybe I can make them so.
What do you guys do to keep your friendships going? Are you a high maintenance or low-maintenance friend? What do you think about the idea of rekindling past friendships?
Music*
I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
Hit the Road, Jack - Ray Charles
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five
We Are Never GettingBack Together - Taylor Swift
Erase Me - Ben Folds Five
*I made my sister a breakup playlist and was listening to it. All is fine. Relax.
Well, me for example, I have that kind of friendship you said you don't have. Actually, I have the same 3 best friends since I was 10 or 11. And now I'm in highschool and I'm almost 17.And yes, I type them messages just to say hi or asking what they are doing because I'm thinking of them. We just keep this friendship because we see each other daily. At one point, this gets kind of boring but then maybe we sleep all 4 together and have a little bit of fun or..something interesting and funny happens and we're "rekindling" as you said our friendship. And there are many phases, for example for a couple of months I'm talking more just with one of them but when we hang out we definetly do this all 4 as much as it's possible(when it's not getting in the way their boyfriends and stuff) Our friendship actually started like when we was 9 maybe but in time we made a foundation and get at this point of "bff". I'm the kind of person that never actually worried so much about friendship but you're post sounds really interesting and gave me a moment of thought about my situation.
ReplyDeleteI think we're quite similar in this respect! Sometimes I feel horrible and guilty for not maintaining what was once a fabulous friendship, whether it's because of timing or interest shifts in another direction?
ReplyDeleteI'm studying abroad in at the moment though and I completely understand, rekindling or talking to people you haven't spoken to in a while from home does create a sense of security when you're meeting lots of new people
(p.s I call friends from uni classes 'convenience friends' until you actively meet with them off campus/out of class)
I just contact my friends every now and then. I have my good friends who i try to stay in contact with texts. Then i have 1 friend i see once a week before class for brunch. Other friends i just see at parties. Which are aquaintance friends. Then i have friends i see every few months. One of my good friends i see once a year but we text often. Then there is my boyfriend... i spend the weekend with him usually
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ReplyDeleteThat's a very accurate point you've made. I don't think I'm one of those types, I think I'm probably both at once. It all depends on a person - I have both low and high maintenance friendship. And I enjoy both kinds. I suppose I need both types in my life. But I definitely have more low-maintenance relationships than high, because, obviously, I'm kind of self-centered person and high-maintenance relationships requires a lot of your time and work. I suppose it should just feel naturally between you and the person you're friends with. I think it's always worth trying to go back to old friendships, but without too much pressure - if the person is no longer the person you feel like spending time with or want different type of friendship - you just say: sorry, I think it won't work and that's it. At least that's what I would do :)
ReplyDeleteHi! I just wanted to say how much I like your blog. You are a really good writer! :)
ReplyDeleteI've never been the kind of person who needs to see their friends everyday too know that we still have a strong friendship. Actually, the friendships I value the most are the ones I know that will still be there even after weeks of not seeing (or even talking to) each other.
I just make an effort to talk to and/or see them. It doesn't always work out but a lot of those I fell out of contact with are people I don't particularly want to be in contact with anymore. I don't mean that in a harsh way, I just mean they've changed and I've changed and we're not as compatible any more. I sometimes stop making an effort if the other person never makes one back. I try as long as possible but it's exhausting to be the only one ever trying to keep in contact.
ReplyDeleteI've never thought about friendships in terms of high maintenance or low maintenance, but I guess all my friendships (well the main ones, the people I actually love) are high maintenance, since we talk and see each other very often. One of my best friends I've had since I was 7, and all my other good friends are from whenever I met them throughout school or uni, and once I'm close friends with someone I've never stopped being close friends with them. How to maintain friendships is something I've thought about since I finished school 2 years ago, and we've done it by talking all the time and visiting each other and seeing each other when we're at home. The idea of a low maintenance friendship is really foreign to me but I guess that is something I should think about once we're finished uni and leave our home town permanently.
ReplyDeleteI have this problem too! It's difficult for me to maintain friendships over time. When I was little I had a best friend who was the child of one of my parents friends, so through them we got to see each other a lot. Our friendship lasted for ten years but then we just sort of lost touch with each other when we became teenagers. Other than that one exception I have never really been able to keep a friendship going for longer than two years.
ReplyDeleteI myself am an incredibly low maintenance friend. When I make friends with a high maintenance person I find it difficult to meet their needs. If I find that they want to hang out too much, I start to get annoyed with them. It makes me feel terrible because I know it's just that they like hanging out with me, and I appreciate their company too, but after socialising a fair amount I need space to do my own thing. When I try to explain this, most of the time it doesn't go down very well. They either assume I'm trying to ignore them or they think I'm trying to tell them that I don't like them any more but am too scared to just say it outright.
When I was 14 I wanted to be an air cadet, so I went to join up and found that one of my peers from primary school was there too. We quickly rekindled our friendship from there and she became one of my closest friends through secondary school. We don't keep in touch any more unfortunately but I'm still glad I got to know her again. If you enjoy this persons company enough, even if things kind of fizzle out further down the line, your time spent with them and the experiences you have together should still be worth it.
Bryarly, I completely agree and sympathize with every bit of this. To keep my friendships going I pretty much hang hang out with my friends or help them when they need it and just talk some. We just casually friend it up, I guess. I really don't think that I'm capable of showing much more affection. From experience, high maintenance relationships just don't work for me. I feel like if I have to put so much work into a friendship, then we're not very compatible friends.
ReplyDeleteI like those friends you were talking about who just kinda drift in and out of your life. You get to see them change so it's like making a new friend every time while still sharing past experiences.
I gauge the comfort and stability of a friendship by silence. I feel that if you can both be around each other without talking and in complete silence, but neither of you feel awkward and you don't feel the need to talk, then you have a pretty happy friendship.
I really like this description of different friend types! I rarely get to see/talk to one of my best friends, and yet every time we do talk and hang out, the picking-up-where-we-left-off is so natural and easy. We've been friends for so long, we're comfortable. Then there's two of the best friends I've ever had. We live three hours apart, and we've only been friends for about two years, but we normally interact with each other at least once a day. The concept that anything we do could be mistaken for some kind of secret crush thing just doesn't faze us, we've reached that level of comfort and best friendship. I've found the best friendships are with the people who don't require constant attention, but you mutually want to spend lots of time together anyway, or mutually agree that it's fine if you don't want to spend lots of time together. It's all about the clicking. Some people just click.
ReplyDeleteI guess I would be a low-maintenance friend. I have one thing that I ask, keep your promises. That's all I need.
ReplyDeleteI have a great need for solitary time, days of alone, even. I get exhausted by people, and it's not because I don't like them, it's just a lot for me. So low maintenance friendships are just my brand, thank you.
It is odd being in a friendship with someone who prefers a bit more maintenance for friendship. I'm sure they think it odd when I go three or four days committing to the upkeep then disappearing for a few days after.
My best friendships are maintained by check ins and "OH, MY GOD! I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS THING THAT HAPPENED!" Also, they seem to be the ones that are cool with us just sitting there, not even talking. Just happy to be in each other's company.
In short, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who is not-the-best at keeping up with friends. Thank you, for sharing... because I was beginning to think I was just weird.
My problem is that most friends I have/had think of me as a low maintenance friend although I´m more of a high maintenance friend. At least that is what I tell myself, as I hate being abandond and being on my own again (I had some bad experiences a few years ago and therefore I have some friendship issues). I really don´t need loads of friends, but I like to keep them close, I like to know that they actually care about me (again, I have issues, which is annoying).
ReplyDeleteBut I have to say that I recently refreshed a friendship with a girl who actually lives only five minutes away but somehow I didn´t see for several years. We managed to start from where we lost track of each other, and that was nice. We now meet quit often!
But there are also my friends whom I met while staying in London, and as we live in different parts of Germany/Austria I tried to keep in contact with them via eMail, which I thought would work (it would for me) but apparently it doesn´t for them, so I didn´t hear anything from them since september last year. And that makes me so sad, because those two girls are actually my best friends. Wether or not you believe in "best friends" (I didn´t for a long time) they are the ones I can tell anything without feeling stupid, and that is some kind of achivement for me.
Sorry for babbling. But every time I read your blog I feel understood. And sometimes I just think "That´s exactly what I think/would write!" and then I get carried away...
I think I can be both, but if some people stopped talking to me or I wouldn't see them for a while, I wouldn't be sure anymore about our relationship. With others I'm glad to see them every year, or even less, I'm still happy to just see them and have a little update on their life. What I know is that the people I call my best friends, are people I get to see/write with often, while people, I have contact with little, are just friends.
ReplyDeleteI'm quite used to being attached to a lot of people, as I start to like someone pretty fast and then I care for them. The other might just not know that I care for him/her, that’s why I feel that I have a lot of friends, without really being popular. I used to think that a few close friends meant more than a lot of not-so-close ones, but nowadays, I have a lot of close ones, meaning I can have deep conversations/ funny moments with quite a few. Usually it's not about giving presents, but about having conversations, whereas it doesn't matter if written conversations or just a little text from time to time.
I really hope to stay friends with today’s friends, as they are all lovely, but I can imagine finding even more too, as I will move to a new city in summer.
In the end I think that my closest friends could move away and come back, they'd still be my best friends, while others could leave and be gone out of my life for good.
with my friends i love them to bits but i try not to try to hard in fear of losing them but then i end up all alone cause they thought i didnt care...
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's been living in 4 different countries over the last 10 years, all my friends are low maintenance ones. That being said, I'm still in touch with a friend I've had for over 20 years now, we first met just before turning 9, were best friends in high school and were flatmates during our first year at university. We still see each other "on a regular basis", as in nearly every time I'm back in the country where I was born, which is not that often. But yeah, every time we just pick up where we left and we have a great time.
ReplyDeleteApart from her, I have plenty of friends who I'm still in touch with, yet we don't necessarily see each other on a yearly basis, and we only skype or email each other once in a while. I have friends on every continents in the world as a lot of them also have a travel bug, and it can be hard to arrange reunions when groups of friends are in 5 or 6 different time zones. But whenever some of us are in the same part of the world, we manage to meet irl to spend time together.
Friendship is not about how often you're in touch, it's about quality time and being there for each other. It's about past experience in common, which shaped you into who you are today. Friendship is also about still being able to comunicate despite pursuing very different paths in life, it's about having respect for others no matter what their life choices are. If some attention seekers turn into drama queens when you don't give them enough attention, then they're not really friends, are they?
I'm low maintenance most of the time, but I go through spurts where I am very high maintenance. I feel like people are more or less in two categories as friends. They are either middle maintenance ALL the time. Or go through waves. I the wavy type. I have periods of time where I can be there for anyone around me as much as they need (or is possible for me), but then I do have my down time when I feel awful and need close friends to make me feel better. The friends that I have known since I was young, or at least those that I was close with, I feel like I could call anytime and instantly feel like we hadn't missed anything of each other's lives. Other friends do take some time and maintenance. That usually is frustrating to me to be honest because I am so low maintenance most of the time, I don't like having to keep showing interest in my friends. I feel like I know you're my friend, you know you're my friend, and we will hang out whenever we can, no biggy.
ReplyDeleteI only really ever had one 'best' friend, in my early years of primary school, but she moved away and I will always remember being heartbroken, I had close friends after that, but none I would have honestly bothered to keep in touch with as much as her. I think the next real soul-mate I'll find is a future partner and although people tell me I very warm and friendly, I hope won't let myself become too attached to anyone other than that. Friendship definitely takes effort but as the most beautiful things come out of it; laughter, good advice, expression are invaluable and is worth it entirely.
ReplyDeleteBeing an Air Force "brat", I frequently lost touch with my childhood friends as I didn't have the attention needed to maintain pen pals when I was in elementary school. I regretted this and tried to have a stable childhood for my children so that they would have the childhood friends I had read and heard so much about. Now in my fifties, I am reconnecting with college and high school friends via Facebook. I'm delighted that the friends I had in high school and college turned into quite lovely adults who are definitely worth re-cultivating. In fact, my best friend of college whom I haven't seen in over 30 years is traveling with me to the UK and France this summer. Keeping a friendship going is a lot like keeping a marriage going -- a little contact goes a long way.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm pretty similar... though my one really good friend, I've known for ten years now. Besides her I've mostly got casual friends at school, but I'm really bad at texting people or finding time to hang out outside of school.
ReplyDeleteDue to the fact that I am not really a family person, I would call myself a friend person. Not that I don't like my family, it's just the way it is. Friends are one of the most important things to me and I expect them to text or call me every other day - especially since my best friend and I study in different cities in Austria and see each other maybe once a month. As a group of four we communicate through What's App and message each other during the whole day. I am definitely a high-maintance- person, I keep my best friends for more than five years- I don't know the future, so I can't say forever. There are always some friendships for a certain amount of time which end, but my best friend will stay with me.
ReplyDeleteI am definitely a low maintenance friend - I'm still in secondary school and, during the 6 week long Summer holidays, I quite happily go the whole period without contacting most of my friends, though I enjoy their company when I do. I actually sometimes get worried about this attitude towards my friendships because, though I really like my friends and want to stay in touch when I leave school, I know myself far too well and doubt that I'll put in the effort. I know it should be a sort of 'mind over matter' thing and that if I really value thier friendship I will try but...I'll see, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much experience rekindling past friendships, except with old friends from primary school, which I left at the age of 11. I'm 17 now and, after making some attempts to rekindle friendships, found it unsuccessful. They had all changed so much, and I can no longer imagine enjoying their company - in fact, I feel I would actively dislike it. Maybe this is just because we were all quite young and our personalities hadn't really developed enough to remain largely unchanged? It might be different with friends who are about 18.
-Alice
Right now I'm unfortunately living a long way from most of my close friends. We meet once in a while and talk on the phone. Also, me and one of them are having a really nice correspondace via real letters, in the mail. we are planning on making literature history. ;) Actually I try to send letters to most of my friends but they don't always answer which is sort of sad. I guess I am kind of high maintenance.I have some trouble trusting people, so if they don't keep contact I will probably assume that they hate me. (Which is sort of crazy I guess.)
ReplyDeleteWell, my friendships aren't incredibly deep or long-lasting either but my problem is that I'd like to have close friends that I can consider my family. I don't have a problem being a low-maintenance friend, nor a high-maintenance one if I really like the other person. The area in between though is a pain in the ass! Also I wouldn't be friends again with a friend from the past, but that might be because all of my old friendships left me bitter or feeling like I wasted my time.
ReplyDeleteRekindling past friendships for me would be like quitting moving on.
I've never really had too many friends, so the 3 friends I had were all high-maintenance until like, my third year of boarding school, and then we started taking each other for granted. I also found a circle of new best friends that I hung out with all the time. Since then, I've rekindled my friendship with the original 3, and I only keep in constant touch with one out of the circle of girls. One other, I don't talk to often, but she's been there for me through tough times, and vice-versa, so our friendship is definitely secure. There are two others that I check in on every now and again, but we're no longer as close as we used to be, and it's just because we're not in constant contact anymore. Since I've overcome my shyness, I now have a lot more people that I consider just friends, which is nice, but the original 3 are for life, that's for sure.
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