Two months ago (or so) I turned 22. Yay me! That's like two eleven year olds being combined into one person after not dying and then continuing to not die. How proud my parents must be of my vitality. That's over two decades. That's longer than the Vietnam War, over twice as long as the American Revolution, and more than three times longer than the Second World War. (I use wars because people are typically very aware of their existence, as I am of mine.)
22 years. A long time, no?
And yet, it isn't. I've only been out of regular schooling since last May. I've never owned my own apartment or my own home. Hell, I've never had a dog that's just mine. It's not something I'm unhappy about, or insecure about. I feel pretty cheerful about being young the vast majority of the time, and I think my relative immaturity and uncertainty are both normal. They're products of youth - or so I assume - and one day I will grow up, move on, and be very stable and witheringly mature. But, as I am happy to assert, I am not quite there yet.
What weirds me out on a weekly basis is that a lot of my peers are.
At least once a week I get a notification about someone getting engaged, or I'll go to send a message to an old friend and discover that they're married or pregnant, and the frequency of this is increasing so rapidly I am bewildered. They're my age! My age or younger! How can they feel so ready for these things, so sure, when I'm still uncertain over whether I should have a peanut butter or grilled cheese sandwich for lunch?
I can't imagine getting married right now. Sure, I like weddings as much as the next girl - they're pretty, everyone wears nice clothing, the bride and groom always look happy, and hey, who doesn't love a good party? Not to mention eternal love, soul mates, fidelity and the support of people who care about you. Let's not forget those. It's just not the sort of thing I can picture for myself as I am right now, and that carries on to other people when I see their engagement announcements. I can't help but think, Really? Now? But you're so young! You're as young as I am!!
My generation is growing up. I know that. Yet even as part of it, even as I recognize that I myself am growing up and out into the world, I still marvel and worry over all of us and whether we're really, truly, honest to God ready.
I know exactly how you feel. Its clichê, but its true: everyone has their own timing. So it's ok to not feel ready for those thing, because you don't have to. Don't live in another way just to feel like you are fitting in more. Thats my lame advice! haha i hope it helped! x
ReplyDeleteI think about this all the time, although I am only (nearly) 16, and there are kids at my school who have babies and are younger than me! However, there are plenty of people much older than you (say, 30 or more) that do not or only just have children and are still very happy. :)
ReplyDeleteThe strangest part is when they start getting divorced and you aren't thirty yet. I have a friend of mine who has been married 5 times... 5... and we just turned 32.
ReplyDeleteI opted not to get married until i was in my late 20's. I feel better and more secure in who i am that i had a chance to be young while i was young.
What a relief, I'm not alone on this!
ReplyDeleteMost of the time I feel like I'm falling behind of basically everyone. But I don't even want what those people have. At least for now.
How can 20 year olds be ready for such important decision? I'm certainly not.
I sometimes wished that there was a limit where you feel adult. When I look around there are those mature people who just know what to do, how to react. I feel like bambi sometimes, when he is on the ice that one scene during the disney movie. He slithers and tries to stay on his feet.
ReplyDeleteGood thing is, we are individuals and are allowed to be so. You don't need to marry someone until your ready, we are not in that time anymore. Marriage should be something serious, something you look forward to, but only to the right time.
Our generation grows up, but we grow up to live life as we want to, married, unmarried, divorced, with or without children, everything is acceptable and ok, so let's just be ourselfs and make our own decisions.
The exact same thing is happening to me right now. It's when your friend sends you a text announcing that they're pregnant, and you read it while sat in your PJs watching Nickelodeon at 3 in the afternoon, that it gets scary.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I hear that a school friend is pregnant I'm still in the mind set of "oh no! An accidental pregnancy! What will they do? Do they even know who the father is?!"
ReplyDeleteBut of course they had been TRYING to get pregnant. With a long term partner. And they are looking for congratulations, not condolences.
This sounds a little weird, but the way you write in this blog post kind of makes me feel like maybe people of your age group are ready for that kind of thing. You say how you don't feel insecure about your position at the moment, that you're uncertain about things but that you're comfortable and happy being in that situation. That kind of feels like ready to me. Maybe you aren't ready for the same things, but you're ready for similar kinds of life choices - you're just basing those choices around the things that you feel comfortable with. I'd argue that's the real sign of maturity - basing your choices around things you're secure and happy about, rather than being certain about what the consequences of those choices are.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this a lot. I'm 20 and I'm seeing a lot of my peers getting married and having babies, its crazy...why the rush?! If it makes them happy its a good thing of course, but it all seems far too soon..
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ReplyDeleteI'm 24, but I'm still feeling the same thing. Honestly it makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one. Although I guess it would appear our worries are slightly different; where you seem to be worried about the readiness of others, I'm more worried by the fact that I seem to be the only one who's not ready, and that maybe there's something wrong with me because of that.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess what I mean is I seem to be more self-centered than you are :P
(sorry, realized I got a word wrong lol)
I relate to this. There are people I know who are only in their very early twenties, and they're all having babies and stuff while I'm at home on the sofa watching Beauty and the Beast and wondering why the Beast is so much better looking before he was human.
ReplyDeleteWell, like someone said up top, everyone has their own timing. And you and I might be ready for some stuff but not for others and it might not make sense or be "in order" but that's the great part, it doesn't have to!
ReplyDeleteI'm 23 and I've barely been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and yet I'd be ready to marry him right now. We both are, but we don't need to and there's no rush, so we don't. And yet the mere thought of having kids scares the bejeezus out of me. I can barely take care of myself, heck, I couldn't take care of a cactus, much less a baby!
Oh, and I still doubt whether to eat a pb or a grilled cheese too :)
Hey, the grilled cheese or peanut butter conundrum should not be taken lightly. Are you willing to wait for the grilled cheese to be cooked, or are you lazy enough to just want to slather peanut butter on bread? I have this internal debate on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteFrankly I started graduate school because I wasn't ready to make any of these major life decisions yet ("these" not including my sandwich of choice). Other people are getting jobs and getting married and god the idea of being done with school and having to do that too scares the shit out of me. Admittedly my study is more targeted toward the end goal of a career, but at least I'm still being sufficiently coddled in an academic environment.
The second someone asks when my boyfriend and I are getting married I think I might just wrap myself in my baby blanket and watch Power Rangers for the rest of my life.
Between this post and your 20-Something Crisis video, it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm 22 as well, and an ever-increasing number of my old friends from high school are getting engaged or having babies while I still have no idea where I'm going or what I even want. I guess no journey to being ready (whatever ready is) is alike, and so you and I and everyone will know when that point has been reached.
ReplyDeleteMutual experience. Class of 2012 and already I've attended one classmate's wedding and sent congratulations to at least five others, three of whom are already pregnant. That's lovely for them! Meanwhile, the highlight of my year was the Hobbit movie. Life decisions? I think grown up people make those . . .
ReplyDeleteSome of the people whoa re getting married young, just some of them, are doing it partly because they're scared and they don't want to go through all these changes alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm 19. So many of my peers are engaged and even getting married next year.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of jealous. But I don't want to rush things, the wedding is something big to look forward to in the future.
That being said, I've only ever had one boyfriend. Just one.
But I know he's the one and that we will get married and be happy together.
But we're in no rush. Definitely still five, six years before the wedding. We talk about it all the time and though the society seems to think that there's no possible way first love could last, ours will, and we both know it.
I would never marry anyone I wasn't 100% sure of. Divorce would destroy me, but he just is the one.
Anyway, that's just my take on it.
Once again, I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts! And it's really comforting that not only I have such thoughts...
ReplyDeleteBut well, I guess we need to get used to it. Fortunately, just because of people getting involved, it doesn't mean that I need to get pregnant or engaged too. I just prefer to do everything at my own pace, without looking at other people. At least not too much.
I'm kind of moved by your caring about others. You're really sweet with that :)
I'm 24 and attending two weddings this year. I know folks who've tied the knot at 17, right out of high school and *bam.* I find it all rather terrifying, but I also know that the folks who seem to act more maturely than me generally aren't, and are just as scared as I am of what comes next in life, only they have someone else to face it with.
ReplyDeleteAnd I write this in the university library knowing I *was* that responsible adult for two years after my undergrad, the problem being that I *hated* being a responsible adult and wanted to be an adventurous one instead.
I think it all really depends on the person. I have many friends who couldn't imagine getting married before the age of twenty eight but I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years and I could really imagine starting a life with him by the time I'm twenty two. But I am not everyone and I think we all just have to do what makes sense for us. We're all ready for different things at different times.
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way. I've been to at least one wedding every year since 2008. The one that hit me the hardest was going to the wedding of one of my best friends from high school. I just found out a few days ago that he's going to be a father now. Here we are, relatively the same age, I'm still at home and he's starting a family. Now, we live quite different lives. I know that I haven't settled down to do anything yet because I know if I do, I wont be able to travel nearly as much as I do now and that includes going to see my best friends. This world we live in, what a weird place.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean! I'm only finishing my college applications, yet one of my friends (a freshman in college) has friends who are ALREADY ENGAGED. We're both shocked; we know it's their lives and all. But I've got so much to do first! How do people know they're so certain and ready at 18 or 19 years-old? It mystifies me.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about this the other day! Many people my age seem so mature! They have to deal with so many "grown up" things, that I can't image having to handle on an everyday basis! But maybe I'm just in denial that we ARE grown up now.
ReplyDeleteI cant understand that. I'm only 19 but i see people getting married and having babies and i wonder if maybe our generation is getting too old too quickly. I know that some places, people meet there love in high school and pop out babies, but i also know that women are usually setting up their lives first, mainly in california where i live. Just seems shell shocked for me...
ReplyDeleteI think most people get this feeling that basically everyone around them is gaining maturity while you do not seem to keep up very well. I would guess, though, that this is just an illusion; you paste your own securities upon others and you feel like a child and all your peers appear to be grown-ups already.
ReplyDeleteI certainly get this feeling once in a while. I am not as old as you - only 18 years of age - but when I hear that most of my classmates are in a relationship or has been involved before, I feel like I am years younger than them as I never have had a boyfriend in my life. Other times I feel very mature because of my self-independence; when I am travelling on my own or going to the bank (typically grown-up thing).
Some days I wish I never would become a grown-up. I guess most of us do.
Feels a lot like an echo of my thought. To be honest, I don't see being ready as a issue in this case. I don't think anyone is ever really ready for life, or for any of these big events. Of course, there must be a moment when you feel like it-- but how much are you really ready? There's nothing to tell you what it's going to be like, exactly.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure our generation is ever going to be ready. Looking outside and at newspapers freaks me out. I don't want to be ready to do big things because being An Adult seems like a bad idea. Because of that, I'm quite admiring that some people want to do so and now. And good for them. I'm choosing to take some more time to try things and fail and be worried and have fun!
Everyone has their own path, I suppose. My advice is just to worry about where you're headed and where you want to be :)
ReplyDeleteSince we have talked before I know you live in the south. I truthfully just feel like people in the south just do that. they go to school, get married, have kids. not all in that order. Most of the people I graduated with are either prego or have a wife or husband. It makes me kinda depressed. For the fact that I love being young. I want to live!!! Not be tied down.
ReplyDelete"Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome." I choose that approach. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm 20 and also surrounded by engagements and babies. I know I'm not ready for either, but I don't think being ready is a prerequisite for taking big steps in life. We learn by experiencing things that we're unprepared for. Going through something is what makes you ready to deal with it and things like it.
ReplyDeleteI doubt that generations before ours were more prepared for life than we are, but living on the temporal other side of their experiences makes it easy to think they were.
I'm always struck by how relevant your posts are to my daily life.
ReplyDeleteI talked to a 27-year old friend yesterday who mentioned walking into a cafe and seeing one of his primary school classmates pregnant.
Needless to say he pretended not to recognise her:p
I think that everyone is ready for things at different times. I'm 20 and I feel ready to get married and have a baby (not gonna happen yet though) whereas, I have a friend much older than me, and he still isn't ready for those things. It's different for each person, kinda like when we were told about sex and the peer pressure around that.
ReplyDeleteHave a beautiful day
http://britishrandomnesss.blogspot.co.uk/
xx
I was told before that you should always get a really loud puppy before you have children because that way you learn what it's like to take care of something and you're readier to take care of another human life when you want a baby. Also, get a cat before marriage.... just get a random pet before every big decision and you'll be all set.
ReplyDeleteWhoa! Not so fast! ;) Yeah, I know that feeling. I'm 25, still live at home, own half a dog (mum paid for the other half) and really have no idea about life. If I'm honest I still feel about 12 or something, definitely not someone you would let take care of herself. I'll be starting a new job soon which scares me shitless, mortgages and tv licenses confuse me and I have never had a boyfriend and am not sure how to go about getting one. All in all you're actually probably better equipped to deal with life than me.
ReplyDeleteHey Bryarly, I know this is a late comment for the video however I recently saw your 20-Something-Crisis video and YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed that life just seems to become more general as you grow older. I'm 16 right now, however I've seen a lot of people go through the 'quarter life crisis' and I know some who are still going through it.
I guess I'm one of them. Much like you said in the video, I like to do a lot of things at once. I'm in plenty of clubs at school and I've been studying as broadly as my school will allow. It's kind of disappointing knowing that in a few years I will have to choose one or two things to stick to.
It's scary to think that I will have less direct instructions with what I should be doing by the time I'm in university. More options are handed to you, and that's great, but I don't know if I can make that decision.
There's nothing really productive about this comment, just thought you'd want to know that even younger ones are freaking out a bit. Be sure to keep your channel updated on how you're coping with your crisis.
Thanks :)
Sometimes I feel like shaking these people and asking them, what's the freaken rush? I remember this girl I used to be friends with, we met on myspace back in 2007, and we remained friends for a few years, she had this friend who was my brother's ago. So it went, Amanda: 11, me: 14, and Faith: 16 (My brother's age at the time) we all liked the same things, so we got along. I remember being facebook friends with them on my old facebook and seeing that Faith was engaged, and then shortly after married. She was only 19, I was shocked because I remembered her as this 16 year old with pink hair and listening to the same music as me.
ReplyDeleteIt baffles me that people get married or have children so young, now I understand unplanned pregnancies and I'm not talking about those, I mean when they actually want a child at 18-20.
I just turned 20 on December 9th, and I can't for the life of me picture myself getting married or even having children any time soon.
I've been experiencing the same thing, even though I just turned 18. Two girls my age got married really recently, and one of them is even pregnant (!), and here I am, not even able to decide what I want for lunch or whatever. I can't imagine what it must be like to settle down with kids at this age, I honestly can't. It's been baffling me all day long, and I just saw this post and in a way, it makes me glad that I'm not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel, I turn 22 in a few months,am still living with my parents and have recently started my first ever job since I spent most of my life in full time education until last June. I commented to one of my friends recently that now I've finally lost track of people I went to school/uni with who are engaged/married/having children I should probably accept I'm finally an adult but I still feel like I'm somehow playing catch up. On the other hand, I know plenty of other people who feel like this too so it's probably best to just try and make the most of every stage of our lives and not worry too much about what stage other people are at :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. I just had a conversation with friends of mine about technically being an adult but still feeling like a teenager. I've had 4 friends in their 20s get engaged in the last few months. I can barely support myself let alone make such a life altering decision as marriage and having children. In short, you are not the only one unsure about your life as others seem to be moving forward in huge ways.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend from school got engaged over Christmas - she is my age and will turn 21 next week. Yes, her boyfriend, now fiancée, is a couple years older, but it's still weird!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I'm a little older than you (28), but I can totally relate. I think for me the moment when I was really like, "Whoa, time is a-zoomin'" was when I realized that it wasn't just the people who were unlucky or maybe slightly crazy who were having babies & getting married anymore. I'm still kinda waiting to feel fully like a grown-up (though I have a job I love, support myself, am married, etc.). But I definitely have a kind of growing (if sometimes-fragile) sense of, "Yeah, I know what I'm doing, I think."
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
Mike
Jesus! Marriage and pregnancy already? Were they planned? Tooo young. I am 20 and though I daydream about my dream wedding and what married life would be like, there is no way I am getting married before the age of 26. I have to be: done school, have a stable job, live with my lover for at least 2 years, engaged for at least 6 months to a year and once I am married, have a pet before getting pregnant and have to be married for at least 3 years before I even try to have a child. So I can't even imagine marriage or pregnancy before I start my career. I would only get pregnant earlier if birth control fails me. So hearing people getting hitched around my age FREAKS me out...
ReplyDeleteWe're the same age/same boat.
ReplyDeleteOh my goat. 5 of my friends are engaged or married, about 10 more are either pregnant or have had a baby. My best friend just told me how he's planning on proposing to his girlfriend. This is all happening around me, I know that I'm not ready for it, but it's still causing me to panic. All because I feel like if everyone else is ready, why aren't I? I'm still on my whole drop everything and travel to see friends, buy toothpaste and eat a hamburger.
Yet all my friends getting hitched has caused panic attacks, and has made me cry and doubt my life choices so far.
Being a Bio/Psych major, I've been scared to all ends about getting pregnant AFTER 32, (likelyhood of down syndrome becomes like 1 in 1000 or something) but before 25 and yadda yadda yadda has add to this even more so.
I'm not ready to grow up, did I miss a lesson, or some special juice I had to drink?
I know exactly how you feel! I'm 18 but there are about 3 girls in my year group already with babies, 2 engaged and 1 that owns a house - yet I'm still deciding, like you, over my sandwich. The world has gone crazy.
ReplyDelete"My generation is growing up. I know that. Yet even as part of it, even as I recognize that I myself am growing up and out into the world, I still marvel and worry over all of us and whether we're really, truly, honest to God ready."
ReplyDeletethis reminded me of the Kurt Vonnegut quote
"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."