It should come as a surprise to precisely none of you that I've been applying for a lot of jobs lately. Some are last-ditch efforts, the sort of thing you throw yourself at just in case, hoping desperately that they won't want you even though you have to grudgingly admit that you really, really need a job. A few are things I would love, things that make me cross my fingers and toes before wishing on a star and hopping on one foot 3 times for good luck.
If any of you are shocked that I haven't gotten replies from jobs, you haven't been paying enough attention to either my blog or the economy. Or both. Not sure. How much attention have you been paying? It's international currency, you know.
As a recent rejection email came fluttering snottily through my inbox, I joked about it with my friend Heath (you can watch his videos here). "She can't scare me," I said, "I'm from the INTERNET." Though I meant it as a witty repost, I caught myself thinking about it more seriously later.
I am not naturally thick-skinned. Never have been. I've been called over-sensitive, feisty, tender-hearted, and overreactive more times than I can count - thankfully, most of those catcalls are echoing to me now from the memories of my younger selves. My self-control and self-confidence grew as I got older, but when I first started getting feedback to the things I uploaded to the Internet, the "real world" had not prepared me for the force of the blow.
People online can be incredibly cruel, especially (as I've mentioned before) when hiding behind a mask of anonymity. When I first started making videos, the comments weren't an issue because the number of people I had to deal with was fairly small. As that audience has grown, so too has the number of comments - and within them are a lot of surprisingly angry people. People I'd never met were ready to call me horrible names, and I had no idea why.
This marks the beginning of what will be my 3rd year making videos. After two years of a lot of criticism, most of it drowned out by a flood of support (thankfully), other people's criticism doesn't bother me as much as it once did. It's gotten to the point where so much of it is repetitious, or stupid, or unimaginative or just plain incorrect that the lion's share of rudeness I encounter no longer hurts me, it just bounces off. It's just a waste of time.
I never thought I would get to a point where people being horrible to me would stop bothering me. It's kind of - dare I say it - fun. I'm not asking for more, mind - it's still not fun to deal with, it's just that a negative comment now gets a frown and a shrug instead of tears. The world, as we've all been told time and time again, isn't going to play nice with us. It isn't going to hold our hands and tell us how great we are. It's cruel, it's unkind, it can be uncaring. But having spent two hot and heavy years on the front lines of the Internet?
I kind of feel like I can handle it.
No Surprises - Radiohead
Creep - Radiohead
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
(P.S. Any job suggestions and/or offers are welcome. So are cookies, but those are more of a short-term thing.)