I recently had a "What the - huh?" moment.
You're probably familiar.
It's that moment where you look around you and you go, "How the hell did I end up here? How did this happen? Where did - and the...what?" It's like everything in your life has popped out from behind a bush all of a sudden and it takes you a second to recognize it, but even when you do, you're pretty sure you only met that one time when you were kind of out of it.
Sometimes when this happens I shrug it off and go on with my day. But there are other times where my normal day turns into eating a book and reading a sandwich in total denial, going, "I'm not bothered by this. I'm totally not bothered!"
Guys.
I'm totally bothered.
As a self-confessed Try-Anything-Once'r (we tried to get the acronym TAO, but for some reason people kept getting confused) I play around with a lot of different interests - usually as a result of the influence of people around me. And that's totally cool; I like trying new things and I like trying them with friends. But sometimes what *I* like and what *they* like gets scrambled up in my brain, and when I realize it I get anxious about who I am and what I actually enjoy.
Does anyone else do this?
(I really hope you do, or else I'm going to look really weird. And that's coming from a girl who regularly uses her eyeliner to draw a moustache on.)
The idea of getting caught up in a wave of excited "Why not? Whatever! Let's totally do it! WHOOO!" and then finding out later that I was only doing it because of other people worries me. If they're the initial influence and I then enjoy it for years, fine. But if I do it because of them and then drop it as soon as my involvement with them ends? Well. Well that just won't do.
To allay my unusually sensitive anxiety reflex (it's like your gag reflex but not) I decided to write a list of things that I do and have always enjoyed. Constants, if you will. I figured that by doing that I could shore up the idea of "me" that I've held onto for so long.
MY LIST
1. Reading
2. Music (making and listening)
3. Exploring/nature (I include travel in this)
4. Writing
5. Art
6. Climbing (rocks, trees, you name it)
7. Acting/dress up
8. Cooking
9. Crafts
It was weirdly therapeutic making up this list. There are some things that I could add, but they came about after middle school, and since I was trying desperately to join everything in middle school in an attempt to not be totally alone forever, middle school doesn't count. Everything on this list is a thing I enjoyed in elementary school and have continued to enjoy up to and including the present day.
If you guys wanted to tell me your lists, I would love to read them!
BTW. I've gotten a few messages from people saying that they really like my blog, and I just wanted to thank all of you for reading it. Though my YouTube channel has gotten a lot more attention (three guesses why...) this feels much less promoted and, as a consequence, I feel that the people who read it are people who genuinely like me - and that makes me really happy. So thank you!
Music
The Strokes - Automatic Stop
Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
Coldplay - Yellow
Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet
I've been going through a similar crisis lately as well. I tend to get really involved in one friend group for a year or two, then move on. And when I move on I also change the activities I do. In fifth grade I was friends with some self proclaimed popular girls, and we went shopping every weekend. I haven't done it since we stopped being friends. These past few years I've hung around with a nerdier crowd, and now my life is the internet and youtube, so I"m interested to see how that will carry on...
ReplyDeleteI think my list would include:
1. Bike Riding
2. Reading
3. Writing short stories
4. Talking on the phone
5. Making jewelry.
Thanks so much for this post, I really needed it this week!
Oh, I totally do that. Most of the time I try to only tack on to something that I'm personally interested in as well. But with certain people, I feel like the line blurs between the activities I'm personally interested in, and the person in particular in whom I'm interested. For example, right now I want to get into this online game, one that my boyfriend plays. The thing is, I'm not sure if I want to play because he does (because he plays a lot), or if I personally find it fun to run around as the characters. I'd like to think it was the latter, but I guess we'll see what happens when other priorities try and get in the way.
ReplyDeleteMy constants:
1. Stories (writing/reading/telling/hearing other people telling them)
1a. I like talking to people and hearing them out. I don't like to do it to judge, but I just find it so interesting how the mind works and how people rationalize things differently/similarly.
2. Video games (to have fun; nothing competitive)
3. Baking
4. Hugging. I'm big on hugging.
5. Learning. If I could learn as much as I wanted from a professional without being graded on it or having to pay mountains in tuition, I would be in school forever.
I have to admit, I found you through Charlie's announcement. But you're definitely someone I consider I'd want to befriend in the real world (and who says the internet isn't the real world?), and you put out great stuff both in writing your blog and making your videos! So thank you for doing what you're doing. :)
I don't know how to end this comment eloquently. So... I hope you have a fantastic day!
I thought i was the only.one who felt like this x
ReplyDeleteMy list :
In no particular order, because I'm a teenager and cant handle excessive organization,:
Art
Music
Acting is fun
Writing
Reading
Maths
Baking, cooking
Sports
Being outside
Philosophy,sometimes
I understand what you mean. I always try to do what I love, not what my friends love, but sometimes its hard to know which is which. So here's my list:
ReplyDelete1)Singing
2)Writing
3)Reading
4)Daydreaming
6)Being outside before a storm
7)Riding in a car
8)Acting
And I love your channel and your blog, even though I did only find your blog because I saw your channel, because I saw Charlie's video. I agree with kristinekim though, you seem like a really awesome person. So glad I watched your vids! ;)
Totally get this feeling. I'm even starting to wonder if I actually enjoy reading which is a pretty terrifying idea seeing as I am an English major...
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this via art making/illustrating and wanting to make things in a style that I have seen people enjoy just for the purpose of getting recognition.
ReplyDeleteBut when I do that, my artwork doesn't feel like me. It's like there's too much noise in my head and I can't find my own voice.
I understand where you're coming from. I think it's a Gryffindor trait, because a friend of mine and I both identify as Gryffindors and we tend to do things others enjoy but we're not quite sure about just for the sake of being involved.
I think it's important to like what you like and not feel guilty about it.
Cheers!
Kim
I didn't really understand on a personal level what you meant, until I thought about in in terms of fandoms I'm passionate about and even define myself by. So Doctor Who and Harry Potter are the two that I've been into since before I reached double digits, and others like Supernatural and Sherlock Holmes have come along since then.
ReplyDeleteI realise it's not really what you meant, but it works for me :)
(Also I love that you like climbing. I like climbing trees and over walls as much as the next person, but the fact that you included it in your list just makes me love you quite a bit :D )
reading
ReplyDeletewriting
listening to music
playing an instrument (clarinet until 12th grade, now uke and guitar)
gymnastics
going on road trips
summer camp
My List
ReplyDelete1) Music (playing, listening, writing)
2) Reading
3) Sitting somewhere beautiful
4) Baking
5) Impromptu dance parties
6) Video editing
7) Admiring Julie Andrews (her movies, her music, her perfect profile, etc.)
8) Knitting
I actually found this list surprisingly difficult to make. Since coming to university last year, I've found that a lot of the activities I spent my time doing and defined myself by weren't quite as important to me. I suppose I only truly enjoyed them because of the company I had. Its difficult to make the distinction between the things I love and the people I love.
Also, I thought I'd add that I first started watching your videos through sarcaschicks, and am quite smitten with both your videos and your blog!
I can completely relate to this! I had this realisation after the first couple of months on University, (new environment and people and the like) and I didn't like what I 'had become'. But to be honest, I don't think I'm a better person for not going along and doing 'the cool thing' anymore. I'm more of an outsider with my 'stick to what you know' attitude. I think what I have done wrong is go too far with it! I need to take a step forward, and this post has made me realise that, so thank you! :) Gwen
ReplyDeleteI feel like I know what you're going through...
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel as though I make important life decisions based on who I least want to upset. Like, if I feel like someone is inclined to start a dispute with anyone who disagrees with them, I'll just agree with them to avoid any arguing.
Things I Genuinely Enjoy:
-cats
-hockey
-reading
-typing (I've taken a LOT of wpm typing tests)
-math
-writing in my journal
Also on a similar note to what you were saying in the first paragraph, sometimes I look around my room at all the things I own, and it hits me -- at some point, I picked out everything that is here, and I decided that I wanted it. All my clothes, and furniture, and paintings, and books ... that was all me. It's pretty cool to think about.
Oh goodness, I can relate. I'm like you, where I'll try anything once. I've also come to a point where I've had to realize what I genuinely love or what I love because it's expected of me. During the summer, I tried a few new things of my own choosing that I ended up *loving* and discovered what things I've always loved. There have been things for which friends introduced me that I fell head over heels in love with. It became my own and I loved it, not because of peer pressure or what have you. Kinda like how I found you through that *erm* extra publicity and I'm glad I did. 0=)
ReplyDeleteFor my list of things I love:
1. Reading
2. Music (listening to, admiring, soaking in)
3. Writing
4. Cooking
5. Adventures
6. Road Trips
7. Photography
8. Sketching
9. Pastels
10. Crafting
Since I've been away at college, I've come to find that these things I love are important to participate in. They keep me centered and less likely to cave to stress. Finding the time to include them can be a challenge but its so worth it to take a nighttime walking adventure or crafting project.
Thank you, Bryarly. I'm glad I've found you. <3
I totally understand what you mean! I have a lot of interests/obsessions that I found through my friends. I don't know think I do it as a way to be accepted though. I think they point me in the way of interesting things and I become interested myself.
ReplyDeleteMy list of constants:
Reading
The Internet (Once I discovered it wasn't a huge chat room full of stalkers like my parents told me)
Music
Climbing
Writing
Laying outside in the rain
Acting
Dancing like no one is watching
Also, I can't type...
DeleteI meant to say I don't think I do it as a way to be accepted though. Whoops...
It's a relief to see the words put together so well for a feeling that seems so intangible! I feel this way all the time, and it's so scary because it makes you wonder if you're even going in the right direction, not even to mention wondering how well you've been doing so far!
ReplyDeleteAnd the friends thing is so true. One thing I struggle with there is that even if it's something I began to explore myself initially, I wonder how much my enthusiasm for that thing was influenced by the people around me. It's scary to find yourself relying on the confirmation of others for things as minor as what television shows or bands you like and how much you enjoy them, for example. At least it's hard to find the line between your own opinion and your opinion after it's been mushed in with everyone else's. I think it's nearly impossible--maybe completely so--to eliminate that kind of influence in your life. I think it's very human to reflect upon and try to relate to others and their opinions. And I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, either. I suppose the difference for me at least is acknowledging my gut feelings about something when I talk about it or am doing it. Am I trying to prove something--do I feel uncomfortable?--or am I excited and joyous to be doing this? For me, when I really reflect on this, I get a sense of what's really going on there. I'm just uncomfortable with the answer sometimes, haha.
Like you mentioned, I think my greatest solace is reflecting on what things I know make me the most happy and the most cognizant of the world around me. Those are the things that ground me, give me a base sense of self. I like
-Reading
-Writing
-Creating and Listening to Music
-Walking/Observing Nature (especially looking at the sky through the leaves of trees. Although I've run into things quite a bit doing that, haha)
-Baking
-Talking to people about life's big questions :-)
-Listening
Thanks for posting this. :-) It's so important to think about, and it's such an important process in becoming who we really are.
1. Reading
ReplyDelete2. Music (listening, singing)
3. Cooking (baking, health food, eating good food in general)
4. Crafts / Design
5. List-making / Organizing
6. Nature / Biology
For what it's worth, I've been around since godsteeth1911! I think you are lovely.
oh gosh i like this uhm
ReplyDelete1. Instrumental Music ("classical" but like baroque, romantic, impressionist, 20th century/jazz, opera too)
2. Reading Classic Novels
3. Eating
4. Film Photography/"Lomography"
5. Fashion
6. Documentaries like BBC and Nat Geo
7. Sketching and drafting and stuff
i want to write roller derby, skyrim and doctor who also but i've only started recently and i only got into it because it was something close friends were doing to be honest to be honest
bryarly omg iii have a big girl crush on you i hope i'm not creepy you have awesome taste in music hope that you're not creeped out by this okay i'm going away now forever bye
If it weren't for a certain other youtuber, I am not sure if I would have ever discovered you but I hope that that doesn't discredit the fact that I genuinely enjoy all of your videos (I even went back to your godsteeth1911 videos and watched them from the beginning) and reading your blog. I think that this ties in with what you've written here: my curiosity in who you are was initially sparked by someone else, but my continued interest and adoration of your ability to eloquently express your thoughts and options can only be exclusively credited to your lovely personality.
ReplyDeleteWith all of that being said, here is my list:
1. Reading
2. Landscape photography
3. Traveling
4. Writing
5. Satisfying my sweet tooth with an assortment of baked goods, ice cream, candy, etc.
Oh middle school, bane of my existence. Those were the years when I became a NASCAR fan specifically because of the fact that the boy I had a crush on loved Tony Stewart. But I also like to think that I just enjoy a wide variety of activities, and I am exposed to those activities because of the people I admire and the activities they enjoy. For example, because I had (and still have) a fantastic friendship with a high school teacher, I grew to be interested in MotoGP racing, much to the bewilderment of my family and other friends. I'm interested because it's different, and I never would have found such an interest if I hadn't picked up interests from my friends. It makes me feel like I'm a more complete and accepting person to know that I genuinely have an interest in almost everything.
ReplyDeleteBut, since you asked, here are some of the things I have always enjoyed, ever since childhood (which, arguably, these interests were my parent's interests that I just picked up and called my own):
-history/old stuff
-gardening
-reading
-knitting, sewing, and other crafty things
-swimming (usually in the creek)
-recording weather events and making maps
-nature in general (identifying animals, birds, constellations, plants)
my list of my oh so wonderful constants in no particular order...
ReplyDeletereading
filming
rowing
traveling
art of any sort
writing
learning silly facts (mostly about space)
listening to music
documentaries
learning languages
I have a tendency to be involved in activities that my friends like, but I don't see that as a problem. Maybe it's because I know I'm doing it for them, and they get involved in my activities as well. Here are the things that I am most involved in (for myself):
ReplyDelete-Reading
-Crafting (giving homemade gifts and cards is my specialty)
-Scrapbooking
-Movies (I have a goal to watch all the movies that have won best picture)
My list is short, but the things that I do for myself tend to take up a lot of my time. I also talk to my friends and family on the phone a lot.
I completely get this. I went through a period where I found myself hugely influenced by those around me, and then I moved to another state with no family or friends around me, and it really made me question and ask myself and think "Okay, what do I really want to do? How do I want to spend my time?" because for the first time, it was entirely my own. This started a huge period of self discovery and now I am more comfortable with myself than ever and I feel so much more confident in saying what I like and what I don't. Even though some of these are new discoveries, like you, they feel like constants...they have been around since primary school (the Australian elementary school)...
ReplyDeleteThey would be:
1. Singing
2. Making things.
3. Stand up comedy
4. Comics
5.Writing
6. Reading
7. The theatre
Thank you so much for writing this, because while I've been aware what's happened to me in the last couple of years, I didn't realise the things I thought I had 'discovered' was more about 'rediscovery' - the things I have ALWAYS loved. So, thank you!
I'm glad I'm not the only who has felt this, especially with the "doing what your friends enjoy" bit and end up being confused with what you like. I do this often mainly since I'm too nice and worry about other's feelings, but it still relieves me to know I'm not the only who has felt this way.
ReplyDeleteMy list of interests though isn't... uhm very long actually but I'll still share:
1. Reading
2. Walking through parks and such (like forests or beaches XD corny)
3. Writing
4. Learning
5. Crafts
6. Travelling
that's about it, it's not very much :3 but it still relieves me that I can write that list and be sure that's me saying that and not the other part of me that does stuff with friends because of their interests.
:) I enjoy reading your blog :)
ReplyDeleteHere's my list
1.sleeping
2.writing
3. playing with my cats
4. music
5.spend time making lists (for school)
6. hiking
7. eating (that might sound bad... but hey who doesnt like icecream for breakfast :)
Wow, I didn't know you had this blog! I'm so glad I found it though. It's fascinating to see what you write here. I'm in the process of writing my personal statement for university here in the UK at the minute, and I'm finding it so difficult to get my thoughts clear. What you've described is similar (kinda) to what I feel. I keep having those "what the!?" moments, where I really look at my life from far away, to try see the whole picture. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I really appreciate the fact that you've written this, I feel I have this in common with you. Will look forward to whatever it is you say next :)
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY get what you mean. It happens to me sometimes as well, I'll be doing something and think... wow... I'm bored... why am I doing it then? and the answer that comes to mind is usually "cuz I have to" "cuz it would look weird if I didn't" or "cuz other people want me to"
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, here is my list (sounds rather a lot like yours thinking about it):
1. Reading.
2. Music (listening and making)
3. Singing (I'm no good but it doesn't stop me singing along on the bus and making everyone awkward).
4. Giving people presents.
5. Looking out the window.
6. Drama lessons (basically acting)
Haha, Bryarly! I totally know what you're talking about. It's kind of the same thing when you write a poem or something and it's not labeled as who the writer is. And then later on when you read it again, it's so much like what you would write and since you liked it, so you're not sure if it's your poem or someone else's. As far as lists go, I love writing "favorites" lists. There's just something relaxing about it, isn't there? Good post!
ReplyDelete~Doctor No. 11
I'm a little like this in regards to movies/tv shows; if I watch it with someone else, I find myself reacting to their reactions and not the actual content, and sometimes someone can convince me I didn't like something that I really liked. My list is: Writing, Reading, Listening to Music, Watching Movies, Baking, Being By Myself and Arguing/Making a Point. :D
ReplyDeleteI would just incite you to consider the possibility that, even if some of the things you end up doing are not originally 100% your motivations, the antagonist option of not having those people opening your possibilities, could be less desirable. Imagine yourself in 20 years reflecting on the same question and making the list, would you include things only you have done/enjoyed since a child or would you add things you picked up during your lifetime? At some point you really have to consider the fact that we are agents that change over time and those changes come from outer influences. If changes happen fast and without thought, it may be scary, but dont worry, reflecting on it as you did only shows you are sane and in a good path. As Douglas Adams said, "Don't Panic". Dont be afraid of new things(you could try some heuristics on those split second decisions base don your past likes/dislikes), but do reflect on it afterwards, as you seem to be doing.
ReplyDeleteReally like the blog btw, keep at it, if its really what you like doing ;).
Ooo nice topic. I've felt sort of like this before, but maybe it was more like my interests were weeding out as I got older. In college and working a job, I had so many duties I was forgetting what I wanted to do and things I liked. I did something similar; lists are awesome and so is generally identifying your interests and nurturing your talents.
ReplyDelete"Interests" is a pretty broad category, right?
Dancing
Writing
Sunshine
Reading
Using my imagination/playing pretend
Thinking too much
Learning through experience/travel
Asking questions
Fresh air/outside smells and sounds
Leaves
Flowers
The moon
The smell of books
Libraries
Is that why you haven't posted many recent videos?
ReplyDelete1. Stories of all mediums good or bad
2. Music
3. Shooting
4. Martial Arts
5. Being fit/able bodied
6. Philosophy
7. Socratic Method/debate
8. Cooking/Baking/Eating
I just watched your older youtube clip, How to Survive the (Zombie) Apocalypse. made me laugh out loud heartily, thank you. My 5 top likes are:
ReplyDelete1. Drinking/chatting with friends.
2. Nature (feeling sea breeze, smelling freshly cut grass, camping on mountain, you name it, a little craziness in nature is always good).
3. Sitting at Home being lazy, involved in such amazing activities as doing nothing, reading, internet, watching TV and drinking tea/coffee.
4. Baking, surprisingly found an affinity and love of baking cakes/cupcakes and muffins. Then I eat them which leads me onto number 5;
5. Food; is it possible to love something so much it sometimes makes you cry? Yes. Food can do that. Believe me, good food can do that.
I did think of including physical activities, but I have to be honest. I begrudgingly do physical activity to combat the effects of 1,4 and 5 above. I've really enjoyed finding your blog!
I had a long, involved comment but then I got called out and had to abandon it. Anyway, the jist was i agree, it's very common. Stop and find yourself every so often.
ReplyDeleteMy things are:
reading
writing
animals
scuba diving
listening to music
baking
I've been reading your blog for a while now and have never commented, but just wanted to say I enjoy it and thank you for sharing with us!
ReplyDeleteMy constants:
Art- making, looking at, and reading about
Reading
Baking
Hiking
Adventuring
Swimming
Stars
Silly dancing
Oh my gosh I totally agree with you about the whole thing about confusing myself with what i really feel and what my friends feel and how they've influenced me about what I feel. I read these three books that my friends recommended to me and I read them and I thought they were amazing but now that I think about it, half of the things i really felt were probably just what my friends thought so Im gonna re-read them after a while(i hope that made sense)!
ReplyDeleteIm so grateful that you understand!! I thought I was the only one!
1)Art
ReplyDelete2)Anime and Manga (Its like I need it to live!)
3)Music (playing it and listening to different types of music, not just the "pop" everyone likes to listen to.
4)travelling - I love looking at nature, its so unpredictable and beautiful.
5)Making up stories - so yes, that would be kind of like writing :D
6)Reading (especially stuff on positive thinking and life in general - lol, dont judge me!)
7)I've recently started liking exercise and stuff, even though I'm not too great
8) Just learning new things in general!
I spent about 10 minutes making this list, and genuinely found it quite therapeutic. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDelete1) Reading, and talking about books with people who share the feels.
2) Nature, at least 15 minutes every day.
3) Live music, from buskers to huge festivals.
4) Photography, planning + shooting + editing + viewing others work.
5) Appreciating art, and diving my own meanings from it.
6) Learning new words and understanding their roots.
7) Thinking about ideas and concepts that challenge me.
i usually get more anxiety after catching myself thinking 'oh i don't want to be someone who does stuff because other people do them!' to the point of it overshadowing the more important question of "do I WANT to do them"
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 16 and 9:th grade was ending (In Sweden) we all got back some small books that we made in 4:th grade. I had listed the things I liked doing in there:
ReplyDelete-Read
-Sing
-Draw
-Write
And that never really changed.