I recently had a "What the - huh?" moment.
You're probably familiar.
It's that moment where you look around you and you go, "How the hell did I end up here? How did this happen? Where did - and the...what?" It's like everything in your life has popped out from behind a bush all of a sudden and it takes you a second to recognize it, but even when you do, you're pretty sure you only met that one time when you were kind of out of it.
Sometimes when this happens I shrug it off and go on with my day. But there are other times where my normal day turns into eating a book and reading a sandwich in total denial, going, "I'm not bothered by this. I'm totally not bothered!"
I'm totally bothered.
As a self-confessed Try-Anything-Once'r (we tried to get the acronym TAO, but for some reason people kept getting confused) I play around with a lot of different interests - usually as a result of the influence of people around me. And that's totally cool; I like trying new things and I like trying them with friends. But sometimes what *I* like and what *they* like gets scrambled up in my brain, and when I realize it I get anxious about who I am and what I actually enjoy.
Does anyone else do this?
(I really hope you do, or else I'm going to look really weird. And that's coming from a girl who regularly uses her eyeliner to draw a moustache on.)
The idea of getting caught up in a wave of excited "Why not? Whatever! Let's totally do it! WHOOO!" and then finding out later that I was only doing it because of other people worries me. If they're the initial influence and I then enjoy it for years, fine. But if I do it because of them and then drop it as soon as my involvement with them ends? Well. Well that just won't do.
To allay my unusually sensitive anxiety reflex (it's like your gag reflex but not) I decided to write a list of things that I do and have always enjoyed. Constants, if you will. I figured that by doing that I could shore up the idea of "me" that I've held onto for so long.
2. Music (making and listening)
3. Exploring/nature (I include travel in this)
6. Climbing (rocks, trees, you name it)
7. Acting/dress up
It was weirdly therapeutic making up this list. There are some things that I could add, but they came about after middle school, and since I was trying desperately to join everything in middle school in an attempt to not be totally alone forever, middle school doesn't count. Everything on this list is a thing I enjoyed in elementary school and have continued to enjoy up to and including the present day.
If you guys wanted to tell me your lists, I would love to read them!
BTW. I've gotten a few messages from people saying that they really like my blog, and I just wanted to thank all of you for reading it. Though my YouTube channel has gotten a lot more attention (three guesses why...) this feels much less promoted and, as a consequence, I feel that the people who read it are people who genuinely like me - and that makes me really happy. So thank you!
The Strokes - Automatic Stop
Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
Coldplay - Yellow
Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet