Bad Relationships

Over the past few weeks, I've seen a lot of posts around the Internet about people in bad relationships, or unhealthy relationships, or relationships that are OK but that just aren't making them happy.

And then I saw this: 

From: http://mama-boy.tumblr.com/

And I went, Wa-hey, that looks familiar. 

Why? Because my first serious relationship was, to sum it up nicely, not a very healthy one.

We met when I was seventeen (OH how stupid I was at seventeen!) and started dating when I was eighteen. We were together for 3 months, tried to be in an "open" relationship for 3 months after that (at my suggestion, because OH how stupid I was at eighteen!) then got back into a "closed" relationship for 4 months, after which I sort-of-but-not-really-dumped him. 

We spent the next 9 months breaking up. 

Hence the "sort-of-but-not-really". 

It was a very intense, tumultuous relationship that consumed both of us at the start and, as time went on, seemed to swallow only me. And I'm not going to lie, I was also responsible for our relationship's decay. But when you're dating someone you consider your best friend, when they're the first person you've ever really loved, it's very hard to extricate yourself. Like, very hard. Extremely hard. Nearly a year's worth of disentangling kind of hard. 

I'd like to tell you that the key to realizing the relationship wasn't good for me was an enlightening moment filled with lots of introspection and intelligent self-diagnosis, but, ah. Well. It wasn't. 

The thing that made me go, "OK, I've had enough," was...a L'Oréal commercial. 

I kid you not. 

You know how their commercials always say, "Because you're worth it?" 

I was watching one one day, angsting over my tangled mess of a relationship, and suddenly went, "You know what? I am. I am worth it, L'Oréal." 

And then, though I'd been avoiding watching He's Just Not That Into You (because I knew what it was going to tell me), I watched the movie. And then I bought the book. I read it cover to cover, and even though it kind of sucked to read (because obviously, who wants to hear over and over that the person you love doesn't love you back?) it was also incredibly, incredibly freeing. 

The thing that made it hardest to leave my ex was that we had no closure. Ever heard "You Keep Me Hanging On?" by the Supremes? Well, if not, take a second and here you go: 

"You Keep Me Hanging On"

The Supremes

That song was basically where I lived (emotionally speaking, of course). 

He's Just Not That Into You gave me the closure I needed to finally, completely end my relationship with my ex. I'd needed to hear, "I don't love you, I don't care about you, and I don't want to be with you now or ever," and that book finally gave that to me. It hurt like hell, of course, but it, to quote the Supremes, set me free. I didn't have to wait for him anymore.

At long last, I was allowed to leave.

(And also? It made me stop feeling crazy. It made me stop feeling like the problem, like I was fundamentally flawed. It recounted situations that were incredibly familiar, and cleanly and concisely laid out how the guy was being a jerk and I was being foolish enough to think he wasn't.) 

That book, dumb as it sounds, helped me get out of a bad relationship and stay out of it. Every time I tried to reason myself back into the relationship, the book was like, "Seriously? This guy is not good for you. You best stop yo'self." And I did, because as much as breaking up for good sucked (and ohhhh dear Lord did it suck) I knew that continuing that relationship would hurt more. 

If you're trying to get out of a relationship that isn't right for you, this is probably going to sound familiar: 

• You feel like you are literally cutting your heart out of your chest. There is physical pain. No, I am not making this up. 
• You cry. A lot. Sometimes you schedule your crying so that your roommates are less likely to hear you (like shower time!) or you pick spots that you hope might possibly muffle you (wa-hey, sobbin' in the closet!) or you stuff mouthfuls of pillow into your face in an attempt to stifle the sound of you losing control of yourself completely.
• You despair, because even though losing this person hurts like your soul is in flames, being with this person feels like someone is shaving off little bits of you one day at a time. And both of those things are too painful to deal with.

There are more, obviously. Maybe your mutual friends turn out to be not-so-mutual and you're suddenly on your own. Maybe everything reminds you of them, so nothing is comforting. Maybe you get kind of useless at school (I usually do the opposite and work much harder than I should when I'm sad.) Maybe you decide to completely reinvent yourself. I don't know, this is your story. 

But if being in your relationship is making you sad more than it's making you happy, and if they're making you feel bad about yourself, and if you feel like everything is your fault but you can't understand why, and if the things they tell you sound illogical but when they say them you can't figure out the inconsistency, and if you cry because of them on a regular basis, and if you start to forget what you actually like, and if you feel like everything you do and are is wrong and try to change yourself but fail because it seriously isn't you, it's them (but you don't know this at the time) then babe, listen.

They're just not that into you. 

But that's okay, because there's someone out there who is going to be totally, mind-numbingly, brilliantly into you. It doesn't seem like it - I know, I've been there - but there is. My current relationship is light years better than my last. It is, in fact, so much nicer that every time I look back on my last relationship I wonder why on Earth I was ever sad that it ended. 

What I'm saying is, let go of things that hurt you. Even if the letting go hurts. And move on to something better. 

My Break-Up Playlist: 

"Giving Up" - Ingrid Michaelson

"Eet" - Regina Spektor

"It Ain't Me, Babe" - Bob Dylan

"Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" - Peter, Paul and Mary

"For No One" - The Beatles

"Creep" - Radiohead

"Oh! Darling" - The Beatles

"Parting Gift" - Fiona Apple

"Colorblind" - Counting Crows

"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley

"The Blower's Daughter" - Damien Rice

"I Have Stopped Thinking About You" - Tango Apple Tango

"Glass" - Ingrid Michaelson

"Keep Breathing" - Ingrid Michaelson

"A Lack of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie

"Matinee" - Hurts to Purr

"Lonelily" - Damien Rice

"Look What You've Done" - Jet

"Ruin My Day" - Jon Brion

"All God's Angels" - Kate Rusby

"Stardust Motel" - Andrew Norsworthy

"Shoes" - Chris Volpe

"Breakeven" - The Script

(There are more, but that should get you started.)