I have never liked The Great Gatsby. It felt too pretentious to me, too wound up in its own bitterness, to really cling to my soul in the way I expect of a great book.
Though many of the reviews of the new film version have been negative, I have to say that I think this version has been more instrumental than any of the others - and, indeed, more instrumental than the book for me - in illustrating the point of The Great Gatsby. You could argue that there is more than one point. You would, of course, be right.
But for the purposes of today's blog post, the point of The Great Gatsby is the emptiness that comes hand in hand with ambitious pursuits. Daisy and Tom are, as Fitzgerald puts it, vastly careless people, and while Gatsby has more passion fueling him than do they (at least, on a surface level) I argue that he, too, is lacking of depth.
I think that Gatsby went after the money and Daisy and all the rest as a representation of fulfilment. Daisy became less a person than a symbol of the self Gatsby had slowly begun to lose, whether through simply loving her, as is suggested by the film, or through his many shady acquisitions. Though Fitzgerald himself seems mainly to be pulling apart the consumerism of the times generally, I think Gatsby is one of the most cautionary symbols I've ever seen in literature.
There he is, surrounded by all the desirable people in the world, in a mansion, with money and attention and glory coming out his ears, and yet he feels empty. Daisy's meant to fill this emptiness, but she's an idea, a treasure - not a solid, human thing.
I wondered why Daisy represented so much to Gatsby, and I think it's because she was the only thing that ever called his passion or his love. Everything else he'd ever done, every other goal he'd set, had been based on logic or possessive desire. He doesn't even care for his parents. Loving Daisy, whether genuinely or no, must have been the brightest thing that ever happened to him. So, as per his character, he sets out to try and lure and possess her as he has done everything else.
Before seeing the film, I'd never really related to Gatsby. I thought his obsession was foolish, and insane, and a bit creepy. I thought Daisy was vapid and not worthy of his focus, and I thought Nick and Jordan were sort of jerks. Tom...well, we won't get into Tom.
Gatsby has such powerful ambition, such burning, smoldering desire to be the best that ever was, that he can't let it go. He can't drop it, even as it pulls him further and further away from other people - including Daisy. Especially Daisy. It is his fervent desire to possess her as he's possessed everything else he ever wanted that finally turns her away. And I can't help but think how terribly, terribly lonely Gatsby is. Giving up a dream is like cutting out your soul, yet cleaving to the dream often tears relationships apart.
I had never found Gatsby sympathetic before. I find him so now.
What do you think?
Music
Almost Like Being in Love - Nat King Cole
La Vie en Rose - Louis Armstrong
Fly Me to the Moon (In Other Words) - Frank Sinatra and Count Basie
Fever - Michael Bublé
I Didn't Know What Time It Was - Anita O'Day
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Adjusting Problems
I missed a meeting with my employer this morning.
Did I set an alarm? I did. Did I fail to notice that the alert I'd set wouldn't repeat? Yes. Yes, I also failed to notice that. I always set at least 2 alarms so I can have a few minutes to lie in bed and unscramble my brain - unfortunately, missing the second alarm this morning meant that I just fell back asleep. Damn.
On the upside, what this does is teach me something about the way I work. I know it's corny as hell to go, "I learned from that! Yay!" but in this case I've got to think it's true.
This isn't the first time that I've missed something early in the morning (thankfully, never more than once for the same people. It's too mortifying). It is, however, the first time I've thought, Gee, maybe I shouldn't schedule things for the morning. Before today, I'd just assumed that I would have to get better at waking up early - and I have tried, believe me.
Since becoming an early bird doesn't seem to be something that's really developing, I'm going to opt instead for changing important things to the afternoon. I don't want to develop a reputation for missing things, but I also don't have 100% certainty that I'll be able to successfully wake up early. Rather than battle both problems at once, I'll eliminate the first.
It's always a weird moment when you realize that you can improve your life by changing your reactions to things rather than fighting against them. It doesn't seem intuitive, somehow. We've grown up with this idea that the only way to live comfortably is to change our environment to suit us. Even if it wasn't said explicitly, the evidence is all around us. For starters, I'm willing to bet that you have at least one set of clothes.
My first inclination is to think, "Well, we have to change some things," but I have to question it. Rather than flattening forests so we can build buildings and farmland, could we work with the natural flora somehow? My fellow humans are so creative I have to think we can.
Other things are on a much smaller scale - like my waking problem, for instance. When problems keep cropping up in your life, rather than going, "I wish I was different," whether it's in relation to your emotional or physical self, try to think of how you can work around it. I am bad at waking up early, so I'm going to try and make sure that only unimportant things are scheduled for the morning.
What are some of your problems? How do you think you can solve them? There are enough people commenting here that I think other people might be able to give you another perspective or suggestion - it would be awesome to have a good discussion here!
Music
My Body - Young the Giant
Where Is My Love - Cat Power
1985 - Bowling for Soup
Did I set an alarm? I did. Did I fail to notice that the alert I'd set wouldn't repeat? Yes. Yes, I also failed to notice that. I always set at least 2 alarms so I can have a few minutes to lie in bed and unscramble my brain - unfortunately, missing the second alarm this morning meant that I just fell back asleep. Damn.
On the upside, what this does is teach me something about the way I work. I know it's corny as hell to go, "I learned from that! Yay!" but in this case I've got to think it's true.
This isn't the first time that I've missed something early in the morning (thankfully, never more than once for the same people. It's too mortifying). It is, however, the first time I've thought, Gee, maybe I shouldn't schedule things for the morning. Before today, I'd just assumed that I would have to get better at waking up early - and I have tried, believe me.
Since becoming an early bird doesn't seem to be something that's really developing, I'm going to opt instead for changing important things to the afternoon. I don't want to develop a reputation for missing things, but I also don't have 100% certainty that I'll be able to successfully wake up early. Rather than battle both problems at once, I'll eliminate the first.
It's always a weird moment when you realize that you can improve your life by changing your reactions to things rather than fighting against them. It doesn't seem intuitive, somehow. We've grown up with this idea that the only way to live comfortably is to change our environment to suit us. Even if it wasn't said explicitly, the evidence is all around us. For starters, I'm willing to bet that you have at least one set of clothes.
My first inclination is to think, "Well, we have to change some things," but I have to question it. Rather than flattening forests so we can build buildings and farmland, could we work with the natural flora somehow? My fellow humans are so creative I have to think we can.
Other things are on a much smaller scale - like my waking problem, for instance. When problems keep cropping up in your life, rather than going, "I wish I was different," whether it's in relation to your emotional or physical self, try to think of how you can work around it. I am bad at waking up early, so I'm going to try and make sure that only unimportant things are scheduled for the morning.
What are some of your problems? How do you think you can solve them? There are enough people commenting here that I think other people might be able to give you another perspective or suggestion - it would be awesome to have a good discussion here!
Music
My Body - Young the Giant
Where Is My Love - Cat Power
1985 - Bowling for Soup
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Questionnaire
Good morning. Why do I say morning? Because it's 2am where I am. Why am I awake at 2am, you ask? Because the video that was meant to go up Friday afternoon took a colossally unexpected amount of time, and I am currently waiting for it to export so I can upload it. I've lost track of how many times Premiere Pro has crashed.
WHEE.
In the interest of giving you guys a l'il content, I'm going to do a survey. It serves the dual purpose of not taxing my overwrought brain very hard.
1. Sexual Orientation
- Straight, but I'm probably a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale.
2. What I'm really bad at.
- Portal. First-person perspective games always make me nauseous.
3. My Best First Date
- Though it wasn't technically a date, my first serious boyfriend and I spent 28 straight hours talking to each other the first time we hung out together.
4. A description of my self-esteem.
- Bangarang.
5. My favorite book.
- These Is My Words by Nancy E. Turner or The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas.
6. What I did yesterday.
- I woke up, I filmed, and I edited.
7. Biggest turn-offs.
- Mouth sounds, body odor, leaning over me while talking, using smiley faces when correcting others, and using terms of endearment with strangers.
8. My favorite animal.
- I'm not sure I have one. At the moment let's say octopus.
9. My favorite songs right now.
- I Have Stopped Thinking About You by Tango Apple Tango.
10. How my last kiss went down.
- Well.
11. What I find attractive in the preferred sex.
- Intelligence, a sense of humor, nice eyes, an adventurous personality.
12. All of the pets I've ever had.
- Dolly (dog), ChuChu (dog), Rascal (dog), Tilly (dog), a few fish, Candle being the most important, and a parakeet.
13. Favorite flavor of ice cream.
- Chocolate chip cookie dough or mint chocolate chip.
14. The one place I want to be right now.
- Some sort of island getaway.
15. Where I have lived before.
- Georgia, South Carolina, Wales, England.
16. Most embarrassing moment.
- On Senior Day in high school I wore a mini-skirt that was meant to be super attractive...but when I fell down the stairs and it flew up to my waist, it became more mortifying than anything else.
17. Two of my insecurities.
- My height and whether I'm "good enough" to achieve in the areas I want to.
18. What I would do if I won the lottery.
- Go to graduate school, help my family members get where they wanted to go, buy a nice guitar and some real estate in major cities.
19. What I love most about myself.
- My determination and creativity.
20. What bands I've seen live.
- All-American Rejects, the Artichokes, Regina Spektor, Ben Folds Five.
21. How many kids I want in the future.
- Zero.
22. My idea of a perfect date.
- Something exciting and fun - preferably ending with ice cream.
23. Where I would like to live.
- Paris.
24. My biggest worry currently.
- Paying for graduate school.
25. What my last text message says.
- No problem!
There you go, kiddos - a little insight into my brain at twenty to 3am. I want to be asleep, but I'm not. I have already cleaned my room and gotten (mostly) ready for bed, so hopefully I'll be able to get there soon! (That being said, my computer just died again, so WHO KNOWS). Hope you're all better rested than I am : )
WHEE.
In the interest of giving you guys a l'il content, I'm going to do a survey. It serves the dual purpose of not taxing my overwrought brain very hard.
1. Sexual Orientation
- Straight, but I'm probably a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale.
2. What I'm really bad at.
- Portal. First-person perspective games always make me nauseous.
3. My Best First Date
- Though it wasn't technically a date, my first serious boyfriend and I spent 28 straight hours talking to each other the first time we hung out together.
4. A description of my self-esteem.
- Bangarang.
5. My favorite book.
- These Is My Words by Nancy E. Turner or The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas.
6. What I did yesterday.
- I woke up, I filmed, and I edited.
7. Biggest turn-offs.
- Mouth sounds, body odor, leaning over me while talking, using smiley faces when correcting others, and using terms of endearment with strangers.
8. My favorite animal.
- I'm not sure I have one. At the moment let's say octopus.
9. My favorite songs right now.
- I Have Stopped Thinking About You by Tango Apple Tango.
10. How my last kiss went down.
- Well.
11. What I find attractive in the preferred sex.
- Intelligence, a sense of humor, nice eyes, an adventurous personality.
12. All of the pets I've ever had.
- Dolly (dog), ChuChu (dog), Rascal (dog), Tilly (dog), a few fish, Candle being the most important, and a parakeet.
13. Favorite flavor of ice cream.
- Chocolate chip cookie dough or mint chocolate chip.
14. The one place I want to be right now.
- Some sort of island getaway.
15. Where I have lived before.
- Georgia, South Carolina, Wales, England.
16. Most embarrassing moment.
- On Senior Day in high school I wore a mini-skirt that was meant to be super attractive...but when I fell down the stairs and it flew up to my waist, it became more mortifying than anything else.
17. Two of my insecurities.
- My height and whether I'm "good enough" to achieve in the areas I want to.
18. What I would do if I won the lottery.
- Go to graduate school, help my family members get where they wanted to go, buy a nice guitar and some real estate in major cities.
19. What I love most about myself.
- My determination and creativity.
20. What bands I've seen live.
- All-American Rejects, the Artichokes, Regina Spektor, Ben Folds Five.
21. How many kids I want in the future.
- Zero.
22. My idea of a perfect date.
- Something exciting and fun - preferably ending with ice cream.
23. Where I would like to live.
- Paris.
24. My biggest worry currently.
- Paying for graduate school.
25. What my last text message says.
- No problem!
There you go, kiddos - a little insight into my brain at twenty to 3am. I want to be asleep, but I'm not. I have already cleaned my room and gotten (mostly) ready for bed, so hopefully I'll be able to get there soon! (That being said, my computer just died again, so WHO KNOWS). Hope you're all better rested than I am : )
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The Dark Side of Heroes
I just started reading the book, "Lies My Teacher Told Me," by James W. Loewen. It's sort of a history exposé, telling first the stories you've heard about various historical figures (Woodrow Wilson, Helen Keller, and Christopher Columbus in the first 2 chapters alone) and then the truth - or, at the very least, a more varied and colorful background than the one you've probably gotten from a history class.
Personally, I've always found history fascinating. It's been one of my favorite subjects since elementary school - I love learning how things work, and history is an incredible story of the way the world has come to be what it is. When you really start getting into it you begin to see patterns, until the symptoms of a failing civilization are as obvious those of a cold and you're like, "Yup, Rome's defo gonna fall in like 100 years, tops." And then it does. Which is really cool. What I've always found shocking is that people don't seem to learn the lessons of history. Maybe it's because, as Loewen says, most students find history boring and don't really engage. But when I see revolution after revolution occurring over thousands of years because the rich got too rich and the poor got too poor, I look at the increased stratification of today's society and think, "If something doesn't change, we're going to have some serious trouble on our hands."
Much as I'd love to drone on and on about social change, I a) am frightened of crazy social justice bloggers and b) have something else to talk about.
One of the topics Loewen returns to again and again in the first chapter (remember, this is a book I'm in the process of reading) is heroification. He points out that both Wilson and Keller have incredibly colourful backgrounds that are, to a large extent, covered up by most history classroom textbooks. For a start, Wilson was racist (very) and Keller was socialist (very). As both of those things are frowned upon by society - to varying extents and justification, depending on which and where - books seem to wipe the pair clean of these traits. The idea is, I guess, to make it easy for kids to look up to them, as well as to speak respectfully of the dead.
Loewen points out that this tendency turns real people with real problems into one-dimensional objects that are often so goody-goody or evil as to be boring. People like things to be easy, to have categories, and to go, "This is this and that is that," and then leave it. But life is so very, very grey that doing so really takes a lot of the beauty and complexity away from it. Stripping heroes of their flaws and bad guys of their virtues makes for a flat, uninteresting world with no more depth of thought than a cup of milk.
Personally, I respect people more when I know their good and bad points. It takes them from a character to a living, breathing person - someone I can relate to one way or another. To use the favorite extreme example, Adolf Hitler. His best-known deeds are evil, and heinous, and condemning. I will never go against that. But he was also an artist, and a vegetarian. He liked Donald Duck. He was charismatic, compassionate, and compelling - and, as we've seen, not to a good end.
I'm not saying that a love of Disney or a decision not to eat meat made Hitler a good person. Obviously. But it does make him more interesting, and for me, at least, prompts the question of why he felt the way he did about Jews as well as other minorities, why he went to the lengths he did, why he ended up where he was. If he's straight-up evil, then who cares? He's just evil. That's that. But if he's a person, ah - how much more there could be behind the infamous moustache/combover combo. What influences were there to make him go the way he did? Could those factors cause something similar to happen to someone in the future? What can we learn from him to avoid repeating his actions?
There is a blog on Tumblr devoted to ripping apart people's heroes. As far as I know, they've done it to John Green and Laci Green as well as countless others. My first instinct is to dislike them heartily for taking such vindictive joy in it as they do. My more reasoned thought is that, yes, we should know our idols' darker sides. Yet, still with that, I don't think of it as a reason to destroy your affection or admiration for that person. They seem to think that if anyone has ever done anything wrong/offensive/harmful that they are beyond help, and should be condemned in their entirety for a handful of actions or words, even if their viewpoints have changed.
I disagree.
There has never been a perfect person. Ever. He or she has never existed, does not exist, and never will exist. We humans are inherently flawed - it's our greatest, yet most terrible trait. If I hold out for a perfect individual to admire, I will be waiting until the end of time. Since that's the case, I prefer to go for two things: characteristics and personal growth.
I admire Dorothy Parker for her wit and her defiance of the patriarchy - but she was an alcoholic. Hedy Lamar was an actress and mathematician whose inventions helped make the Internet possible - but she shoplifted and indiscriminately sued her multiple ex-husbands. When I think of great filmmakers, I think of Alfred Hitchcock - but he was horrible to his actors, sexist, and occasionally a stalker. As an example of personal growth, Gandhi beat his wife before he became more enlightened and embarked on his campaign of non-violence.
Allowing your admiration of someone to wane because their humanity is revealed is simply immature thinking. Instead of turning away in hurt and disgust, or even worse, joining in the vilification, use what you've learned to broaden your understanding of the person. Forcing people into GOOD or EVIL categories is childish and inaccurate, instinctual as it may be. You can accept that everyone has good and bad in them and use it to understand the world better, to see more clearly, or you can categorically refuse it and watch as every hero you've built of half-truths and dreams crumbles under the harsh light of reality.
Who are your heroes? Is there any fault you couldn't forgive of one? What characteristics do you look for in someone you admire?
Music
Now You're Gone - Basshunter
You Raise Me Up - Josh Groban
All of You - Billie Holiday
Colorblind - Counting Crows
Wheels - Cake
Heartless - Kanye West
This Magic Moment - Ben E. King
20th Century Towers - Death Cab for Cutie
Say It Ain't So - Weezer
Personally, I've always found history fascinating. It's been one of my favorite subjects since elementary school - I love learning how things work, and history is an incredible story of the way the world has come to be what it is. When you really start getting into it you begin to see patterns, until the symptoms of a failing civilization are as obvious those of a cold and you're like, "Yup, Rome's defo gonna fall in like 100 years, tops." And then it does. Which is really cool. What I've always found shocking is that people don't seem to learn the lessons of history. Maybe it's because, as Loewen says, most students find history boring and don't really engage. But when I see revolution after revolution occurring over thousands of years because the rich got too rich and the poor got too poor, I look at the increased stratification of today's society and think, "If something doesn't change, we're going to have some serious trouble on our hands."
Much as I'd love to drone on and on about social change, I a) am frightened of crazy social justice bloggers and b) have something else to talk about.
One of the topics Loewen returns to again and again in the first chapter (remember, this is a book I'm in the process of reading) is heroification. He points out that both Wilson and Keller have incredibly colourful backgrounds that are, to a large extent, covered up by most history classroom textbooks. For a start, Wilson was racist (very) and Keller was socialist (very). As both of those things are frowned upon by society - to varying extents and justification, depending on which and where - books seem to wipe the pair clean of these traits. The idea is, I guess, to make it easy for kids to look up to them, as well as to speak respectfully of the dead.
Loewen points out that this tendency turns real people with real problems into one-dimensional objects that are often so goody-goody or evil as to be boring. People like things to be easy, to have categories, and to go, "This is this and that is that," and then leave it. But life is so very, very grey that doing so really takes a lot of the beauty and complexity away from it. Stripping heroes of their flaws and bad guys of their virtues makes for a flat, uninteresting world with no more depth of thought than a cup of milk.
Personally, I respect people more when I know their good and bad points. It takes them from a character to a living, breathing person - someone I can relate to one way or another. To use the favorite extreme example, Adolf Hitler. His best-known deeds are evil, and heinous, and condemning. I will never go against that. But he was also an artist, and a vegetarian. He liked Donald Duck. He was charismatic, compassionate, and compelling - and, as we've seen, not to a good end.
I'm not saying that a love of Disney or a decision not to eat meat made Hitler a good person. Obviously. But it does make him more interesting, and for me, at least, prompts the question of why he felt the way he did about Jews as well as other minorities, why he went to the lengths he did, why he ended up where he was. If he's straight-up evil, then who cares? He's just evil. That's that. But if he's a person, ah - how much more there could be behind the infamous moustache/combover combo. What influences were there to make him go the way he did? Could those factors cause something similar to happen to someone in the future? What can we learn from him to avoid repeating his actions?
There is a blog on Tumblr devoted to ripping apart people's heroes. As far as I know, they've done it to John Green and Laci Green as well as countless others. My first instinct is to dislike them heartily for taking such vindictive joy in it as they do. My more reasoned thought is that, yes, we should know our idols' darker sides. Yet, still with that, I don't think of it as a reason to destroy your affection or admiration for that person. They seem to think that if anyone has ever done anything wrong/offensive/harmful that they are beyond help, and should be condemned in their entirety for a handful of actions or words, even if their viewpoints have changed.
I disagree.
There has never been a perfect person. Ever. He or she has never existed, does not exist, and never will exist. We humans are inherently flawed - it's our greatest, yet most terrible trait. If I hold out for a perfect individual to admire, I will be waiting until the end of time. Since that's the case, I prefer to go for two things: characteristics and personal growth.
I admire Dorothy Parker for her wit and her defiance of the patriarchy - but she was an alcoholic. Hedy Lamar was an actress and mathematician whose inventions helped make the Internet possible - but she shoplifted and indiscriminately sued her multiple ex-husbands. When I think of great filmmakers, I think of Alfred Hitchcock - but he was horrible to his actors, sexist, and occasionally a stalker. As an example of personal growth, Gandhi beat his wife before he became more enlightened and embarked on his campaign of non-violence.
Allowing your admiration of someone to wane because their humanity is revealed is simply immature thinking. Instead of turning away in hurt and disgust, or even worse, joining in the vilification, use what you've learned to broaden your understanding of the person. Forcing people into GOOD or EVIL categories is childish and inaccurate, instinctual as it may be. You can accept that everyone has good and bad in them and use it to understand the world better, to see more clearly, or you can categorically refuse it and watch as every hero you've built of half-truths and dreams crumbles under the harsh light of reality.
Who are your heroes? Is there any fault you couldn't forgive of one? What characteristics do you look for in someone you admire?
Music
Now You're Gone - Basshunter
You Raise Me Up - Josh Groban
All of You - Billie Holiday
Colorblind - Counting Crows
Wheels - Cake
Heartless - Kanye West
This Magic Moment - Ben E. King
20th Century Towers - Death Cab for Cutie
Say It Ain't So - Weezer
Monday, May 13, 2013
The Oblivion Veil
I am really oblivious a lot of the time.
My lack of awareness is something I've always been aware of, illogical as that is. It's not really a problem most of the time - at least, I don't think it is - but a recent instance made me wonder if I might be underestimating its detriment to my well-being.
This is going to sound weird.
In a fit of determination to not be achingly lonely where I am, I decided to look up old friends on Facebook and see if they'd be game to meet up and be friends again. I am not a subtle bunny.
One of the girls I want to talk to, Sandy, was nowhere to be found. Determined to find and befriend her, I opened up my old yearbook to double check her last name. I found it, searched it, and again failed. But in the process of looking for Sandy, I got distracted by the signatures covering the front and back covers of my yearbook.
This particular yearbook, the only one from high school that I could find, was from 2005-2006, my sophomore year. That year isn't particularly memorable for me. I'd just switched schools and felt awkward, unpopular, and uncomfortable. Because I'd transferred, I wasn't allowed to be on any sports teams for a year, which, after 3 steady years of sports, felt extremely strange. Also I had braces.
If pressed to pull them up, some of my memories of sophomore year include a fairly tragic biology class, outrageously boring lunch hours, and a play in which I was cast (yet again) as the young ingenue. So, yeah, not the best of years. I didn't think I was pretty, or smart, or liked. None of it. I wasn't in despair or anything, but I do remember feeling sort of bored and lonely and out of place. If you asked me what I remembered of the people who'd signed my yearbook, I would've said that not many people did and that I had to get teachers to sign it to fill up the empty spaces.
What I found in this book was not that at all.
Sure, there were a couple of stupid HAGS signature, or KATS for the daring, but most of them were ridiculously nice. Stuff like, "You're so talented!" or "You're such a great student!" I don't say this to brag, but to illustrate how different my perception of reality was versus what people actually thought. At least four people left their phone numbers, but I never called them, because I figured they were just being nice.
I'm startled, and touched, and half-saddened and half-smiling at the memories of my younger self. She seems like the naive little sister I never had (my sister is very worldly.) I want to take my younger self into my arms and say, "Shh. It's okay, dude. You really are nice. You really are smart. You really are good at the things you want to be good at. It's okay! And you know what? People really do like you! So chill out and enjoy it. It really is okay."
I'm struck by the similarity between my 14/15 year old self and my current 22-year old self. As you know, I've been worrying lately about where I'm going and what I'm good at and whether I should just focus already. Whether I'm good enough, or hard-working enough, or whether people like me enough. I started wondering, "If I was out of it when I was 15, am I out of it now, too? Has this oblivion veil of mine kept me from the truth once again?"
While I can't 100% believe that it has, I'm hopeful that now, as then, I'm just being insecure and turning too far inward when I should be turned outward to meet the people who want to meet me.
Who were you when you were younger? Are there any similarities between then and now?
I'm thinking of making a video on this topic. What do you guys think?
Music
Slide - The Goo Goo Dolls
Shake It - Metro Station
I Wonder Why - Dion and the Belmonts
Homeward Bound - Simon & Garfunkel
I Wish - The Secret Handshake
We Looked Like Giants - Death Cab for Cutie
My lack of awareness is something I've always been aware of, illogical as that is. It's not really a problem most of the time - at least, I don't think it is - but a recent instance made me wonder if I might be underestimating its detriment to my well-being.
This is going to sound weird.
In a fit of determination to not be achingly lonely where I am, I decided to look up old friends on Facebook and see if they'd be game to meet up and be friends again. I am not a subtle bunny.
One of the girls I want to talk to, Sandy, was nowhere to be found. Determined to find and befriend her, I opened up my old yearbook to double check her last name. I found it, searched it, and again failed. But in the process of looking for Sandy, I got distracted by the signatures covering the front and back covers of my yearbook.
This particular yearbook, the only one from high school that I could find, was from 2005-2006, my sophomore year. That year isn't particularly memorable for me. I'd just switched schools and felt awkward, unpopular, and uncomfortable. Because I'd transferred, I wasn't allowed to be on any sports teams for a year, which, after 3 steady years of sports, felt extremely strange. Also I had braces.
If pressed to pull them up, some of my memories of sophomore year include a fairly tragic biology class, outrageously boring lunch hours, and a play in which I was cast (yet again) as the young ingenue. So, yeah, not the best of years. I didn't think I was pretty, or smart, or liked. None of it. I wasn't in despair or anything, but I do remember feeling sort of bored and lonely and out of place. If you asked me what I remembered of the people who'd signed my yearbook, I would've said that not many people did and that I had to get teachers to sign it to fill up the empty spaces.
What I found in this book was not that at all.
Sure, there were a couple of stupid HAGS signature, or KATS for the daring, but most of them were ridiculously nice. Stuff like, "You're so talented!" or "You're such a great student!" I don't say this to brag, but to illustrate how different my perception of reality was versus what people actually thought. At least four people left their phone numbers, but I never called them, because I figured they were just being nice.
I'm startled, and touched, and half-saddened and half-smiling at the memories of my younger self. She seems like the naive little sister I never had (my sister is very worldly.) I want to take my younger self into my arms and say, "Shh. It's okay, dude. You really are nice. You really are smart. You really are good at the things you want to be good at. It's okay! And you know what? People really do like you! So chill out and enjoy it. It really is okay."
I'm struck by the similarity between my 14/15 year old self and my current 22-year old self. As you know, I've been worrying lately about where I'm going and what I'm good at and whether I should just focus already. Whether I'm good enough, or hard-working enough, or whether people like me enough. I started wondering, "If I was out of it when I was 15, am I out of it now, too? Has this oblivion veil of mine kept me from the truth once again?"
While I can't 100% believe that it has, I'm hopeful that now, as then, I'm just being insecure and turning too far inward when I should be turned outward to meet the people who want to meet me.
Who were you when you were younger? Are there any similarities between then and now?
I'm thinking of making a video on this topic. What do you guys think?
Music
Slide - The Goo Goo Dolls
Shake It - Metro Station
I Wonder Why - Dion and the Belmonts
Homeward Bound - Simon & Garfunkel
I Wish - The Secret Handshake
We Looked Like Giants - Death Cab for Cutie
Friday, May 10, 2013
Fixing A Hole
Some days are harder than others. This should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, but when these bad days crop up, what are we meant to do with them? Do we roll over, play dead, hope they'll go away if we just keep our eyes closed long enough? Or do we have ourselves a struggle of which Sisyphus himself would be proud?
Today was such a day for me, and I'm not sure I comported myself with the heroism I'd prefer. I woke up still feeling kind of ill from the sick day I had yesterday, with a pile of work in front of me...and with a headache to boot. It was not the kind of day that inspires euphoria - or even contentedness. It was the sort of day that led me to later tweet, "I feel old."
What I mean is that my soul is tired. There are so many things I've wanted to do with my life that I haven't achieved, and so many goals yet to reach that seem unreachable. Everywhere I turn there's someone younger doing what I do better. I want to be one of those people, one of the inspiring sorts who impress people without ever having to meet them. I want to be the best - much as I have railed against it before.
When this feeling hits you, it's hard to see the point of doing anything. I've missed that, you think, I can never do that now. Who would want me? I'm 22, and I already feel like I've missed my golden window of opportunity. It seems like everyone is younger, or smarter, or more talented, or prettier, or harder-working. I know that's got to be inaccurate, logically speaking, but it's a fear that I can't shake.
In the interest of improving my mental space, I bought myself some stickers. A lot of stickers, actually - and I'm hoping that by combining them with a calendar I'll be able to attach incentives to what I do beyond just doing the thing. Maybe a string of sparkly hearts will be more inspiring than vague memories of working a lot towards a goal and not having it yet. I'm impatient, I'll admit it. But I'm also motivated by little pieces of sticky plastic, and if I can use the one to counteract the effects of the other, I will.
Sometimes when I'm feeling down on myself in this way, I look over my CV and go, OK, I'm not there yet, but I've done a pretty decent amount for where I am. If I can keep these sad, rainy days from putting out my fire completely, I still hope and believe that I'll get where I want to go. Most of the time, the feeling of failure (or impending doom) stays off in its cage. But on days like today, when it's out and prowling around and ready to throw me to the floor and squash me, I need a little something to protect myself.
I've found that motivation that comes from within is the best kind. Friends and family are great, but they can't always convince you of things you need to know. Their compliments don't always feel genuine, and their belief isn't much use unless it helps bolster yours - and when yours is nonexistent, they sort of flop onto you limply. When I'm feeling washed up, I try to find ways to encourage myself that don't rely on anyone else's opinion. If it's something I can recognize as a truth, it's a lot harder to shake than someone else's view.
What do you do to encourage yourself? What gets you down, and how do you overcome it?
Music
Flowers - Regina Spektor
The Bluebells of Scotland - The Corries
Would You Like to Learn to Dance? - Steve Goodman
April Come She Will - Simon & Garfunkel
Today was such a day for me, and I'm not sure I comported myself with the heroism I'd prefer. I woke up still feeling kind of ill from the sick day I had yesterday, with a pile of work in front of me...and with a headache to boot. It was not the kind of day that inspires euphoria - or even contentedness. It was the sort of day that led me to later tweet, "I feel old."
What I mean is that my soul is tired. There are so many things I've wanted to do with my life that I haven't achieved, and so many goals yet to reach that seem unreachable. Everywhere I turn there's someone younger doing what I do better. I want to be one of those people, one of the inspiring sorts who impress people without ever having to meet them. I want to be the best - much as I have railed against it before.
When this feeling hits you, it's hard to see the point of doing anything. I've missed that, you think, I can never do that now. Who would want me? I'm 22, and I already feel like I've missed my golden window of opportunity. It seems like everyone is younger, or smarter, or more talented, or prettier, or harder-working. I know that's got to be inaccurate, logically speaking, but it's a fear that I can't shake.
In the interest of improving my mental space, I bought myself some stickers. A lot of stickers, actually - and I'm hoping that by combining them with a calendar I'll be able to attach incentives to what I do beyond just doing the thing. Maybe a string of sparkly hearts will be more inspiring than vague memories of working a lot towards a goal and not having it yet. I'm impatient, I'll admit it. But I'm also motivated by little pieces of sticky plastic, and if I can use the one to counteract the effects of the other, I will.
Sometimes when I'm feeling down on myself in this way, I look over my CV and go, OK, I'm not there yet, but I've done a pretty decent amount for where I am. If I can keep these sad, rainy days from putting out my fire completely, I still hope and believe that I'll get where I want to go. Most of the time, the feeling of failure (or impending doom) stays off in its cage. But on days like today, when it's out and prowling around and ready to throw me to the floor and squash me, I need a little something to protect myself.
I've found that motivation that comes from within is the best kind. Friends and family are great, but they can't always convince you of things you need to know. Their compliments don't always feel genuine, and their belief isn't much use unless it helps bolster yours - and when yours is nonexistent, they sort of flop onto you limply. When I'm feeling washed up, I try to find ways to encourage myself that don't rely on anyone else's opinion. If it's something I can recognize as a truth, it's a lot harder to shake than someone else's view.
What do you do to encourage yourself? What gets you down, and how do you overcome it?
Music
Flowers - Regina Spektor
The Bluebells of Scotland - The Corries
Would You Like to Learn to Dance? - Steve Goodman
April Come She Will - Simon & Garfunkel
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
What's In A Friend?
For some reason - and I'm not sure why - I've never been the best at keeping friends for a long time. It's not an intentional thing, really. It's a combination of that tendency to look at new things more than cherish things I already have, and the simple fact that I've moved around a fair amount.
I skipped a grade in elementary school.
I went to two different middle schools.
And two different high schools.
I studied abroad in college.
After college I spent 5 months in Atlanta, then 5 months in another country, and am now back in Atlanta.
A few of my friends are pretty low-maintenance and are entirely satisfied with a few hangout sessions every year or so, or a few messages every few months. Enough to know I'm alive, enough to know that I'm thinking about them. These friends are great for me - as long as I remember to keep up this fairly low-key maintenance, I know that our friendship can pick right back up where it left off when we come back in touch with each other. One such friend is a guy named Brian whom I first met when I was 14. We're not tight friends, but we've known each other a long time.
If I'm honest, the friends I've had for the longest, consistently, are friends that started out as light friends and grew deeper over time. Some of my college friends are this way. We knew of each other's existence, or we hung out when other people invited both of us to the same parties, but for the most part we weren't that close. My friend Andrew was that way until my Junior year, when we lived next door to each other and struck up a friendship based on puppies and working out. I know count Andrew among my closest friends.
One of the greatest joys I've garnered from online friendships is the fact that they are built and sustained entirely at a distance. It doesn't matter where I go, or for how long - time distances excluded - we are definitely, without a doubt, friends.
And, sure, long distance friendship has its drawbacks. There's no way to comfort said friends from a distance when something terrible happens. For example, my friend Kassie (who also makes videos that you should definitely watch HERE) lives in Boston, and after the bombings she spent a lot of time comforting friends who were in the attack or who had been directly affected by it. As far away as I am, I struggled with what I could do for her. I may have long arms, but they can't go all the way from Atlanta to Boston.
Different people have different ideas about what friendship means. Unfortunately, mine is pretty darn wobbly. So wobbly, in fact, I'm not sure it's helpful. In a nutshell...I think friendship is whatever you need it to be. Some people just need someone else around who will physically be there when they don't want to be alone. Others want a deep personal connection, someone to bounce feelings off of, someone who will cuddle them when they're sad and act as part therapist, part sibling, and part teddy bear. Still others want party partners.
If I had to give you a hard-line strict definition, I'd say that friendship is the love, support and friendship you'd want from the best possible 1950s-style family from people who have no obligation to you at all. Family members are related to you; evolution makes them want to take care of you. Boyfriends/girlfriends are influenced by their brain chemicals. But friendship? Friendship is chosen.
How would you guys define friendship? Who are the best friends you've ever had?
Music
Ventura Highway - America
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship
Novacane - Frank Ocean
I skipped a grade in elementary school.
I went to two different middle schools.
And two different high schools.
I studied abroad in college.
After college I spent 5 months in Atlanta, then 5 months in another country, and am now back in Atlanta.
A few of my friends are pretty low-maintenance and are entirely satisfied with a few hangout sessions every year or so, or a few messages every few months. Enough to know I'm alive, enough to know that I'm thinking about them. These friends are great for me - as long as I remember to keep up this fairly low-key maintenance, I know that our friendship can pick right back up where it left off when we come back in touch with each other. One such friend is a guy named Brian whom I first met when I was 14. We're not tight friends, but we've known each other a long time.
If I'm honest, the friends I've had for the longest, consistently, are friends that started out as light friends and grew deeper over time. Some of my college friends are this way. We knew of each other's existence, or we hung out when other people invited both of us to the same parties, but for the most part we weren't that close. My friend Andrew was that way until my Junior year, when we lived next door to each other and struck up a friendship based on puppies and working out. I know count Andrew among my closest friends.
One of the greatest joys I've garnered from online friendships is the fact that they are built and sustained entirely at a distance. It doesn't matter where I go, or for how long - time distances excluded - we are definitely, without a doubt, friends.
And, sure, long distance friendship has its drawbacks. There's no way to comfort said friends from a distance when something terrible happens. For example, my friend Kassie (who also makes videos that you should definitely watch HERE) lives in Boston, and after the bombings she spent a lot of time comforting friends who were in the attack or who had been directly affected by it. As far away as I am, I struggled with what I could do for her. I may have long arms, but they can't go all the way from Atlanta to Boston.
Different people have different ideas about what friendship means. Unfortunately, mine is pretty darn wobbly. So wobbly, in fact, I'm not sure it's helpful. In a nutshell...I think friendship is whatever you need it to be. Some people just need someone else around who will physically be there when they don't want to be alone. Others want a deep personal connection, someone to bounce feelings off of, someone who will cuddle them when they're sad and act as part therapist, part sibling, and part teddy bear. Still others want party partners.
If I had to give you a hard-line strict definition, I'd say that friendship is the love, support and friendship you'd want from the best possible 1950s-style family from people who have no obligation to you at all. Family members are related to you; evolution makes them want to take care of you. Boyfriends/girlfriends are influenced by their brain chemicals. But friendship? Friendship is chosen.
How would you guys define friendship? Who are the best friends you've ever had?
Music
Ventura Highway - America
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship
Novacane - Frank Ocean
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